To Do List:

As much as I love telling my stories of being a bank teller, I don't want to be a teller forever.
Thankfully I have a few projects in the works.
1)Finish writing episode 3 and 4 for Dear Hollywood
2)Write a Dear Hollywood "stand-up routine"
3)Film Dear Hollywood episodes
4)Record ukulele songs
5)Finish writing my one woman Bank Teller show.

So a few things. Nice to have some goals and I'm pretty sure I can complete most of these by the end of the year.

Did I mention I'm playing regularly at the iO West (6366 Hollywood Blvd) every Monday night at 10pm in the Andy Dick Theatre. I can not express enough how much I love playing with my team. We have so much fun playing together and we really share a great group mind. We are in the process of filming our shows. I'll post the link as soon as it exists.

I fly back home to good ol Longview, Wa next Wednesday. So excited to see family and friends. I never know when I'll get to go back home so each time feels like a great gift.

Working at the bank has been a little wobbly. I was almost fired due to my distraction by talking too much to the customers at my window. But after reading about my customers wouldn't you get distracted too?
Ya, that's what I thought.

Dating, Deposits, and Deepening Friendships

On Friday one of my favorite handsome regulars came in and we were joking around while I took care of his deposits. As he left he said "See that's why we can never date. You can see I have no money and you probably want a man with money to take you out." "So you're calling me a gold digger?" He just laughed and said "see you later!".
A few things went through my head: 1) Were you really thinking of asking me out?! Your waaaayyyy too good looking for me. 2)Do I look like the gold digger type? 3) How could I date someone that thought I needed a guy with money?
Sad.
In a town where money seems to be a little more expendable than time I find I'm at a loss. I'm more a quality time person than "ooh what fancy place are you taking me?" kinda girl. But I'm learning that things take way more time to develop here. I don't just mean dating. No. Friendships too. Like this town, it takes forever to get places and everything is so far spread apart. I don't mind working towards a friendship. Taking time out to drive that extra half hour to get to your place so we can have a couple hours of hanging out, playing a card game, and having a drink. I like being face to face with the person. I can only handle so many text messages, e-mails, and Facebook/Twitter updates. All those hit only a level or two deep in the person. I want to know more. I want to know you and know if something is wrong by the sound of your voice or by the way you make some facial expression. So that if any miscommunication is made, it gets fixed right away. 'Cause your right there. Right in front of the person. You can say "Wait, I don't think you know what I mean. Let me clarify...."
I know we all have crazy work schedules. M-F and 9-5 is a rarity among my friends so I understand. I'm so happy to see my friends working and getting those chances to do what they love. I think slowly but surely I'm getting there too.
I guess I'm just realizing I like to be with friends. Real connections. Real conversations. Real discussions and chances to disagree, try to understand, have awkward moments, push through them, laugh about them, and let the friendship grow.
As much as I bitch and complain about some of the people that come into the bank, I love people. Sociology is one of my biggest interests. And I want to know you. What makes you tick. What makes your heart so happy it could burst, and what do you consider the most hurtful thing? All this takes time.
I'm a walking contradiction. In this microwave era I find I have little patience a lot of the time. When I find someone that I'd like to be friends with I want to hang out a lot, just so I can know how to relate to you. And also in hopes that maybe you'll get to know me. Even my weird awkward neurotic side. I can't hide it. It's right here.

The Universal Voice Change

I think I should start another blog or a new series of posts telling stories I remember from when I was a kid. I have a list of stories I'd like to share. Like the time my sister and I dropped my grandma's birthday cake on the floor in the hallway while we were waiting to surprise her. Or the time I dressed up as dice with my friends and rolled down a hill and landed on "6". Building a scooter with 4 wheels, making my own "Gameboy" out of wood in my grandpa's shop, playing Boxcar Children with my sister and friends that lived down the street. Pretending I was a ninja turtle (Donatello was my favorite- I've always had a thing for intelligent guys), or Robin Hood. Making my own bow and arrows from the twigs in my front yard.
Big thanks to my parents for not having cable while I was growing up. Actually had to go and entertain myself.
Here's one story I'll tell out full for now. Being and Disneyland the other weekend reminded me of the time my family came down to Disneyland and Universal Studios when I was in the 4th grade. I'll paint a picture for you. Me, at age 10: big glasses, buck teeth, headgear, huge T-shirt, jean shorts, sandals (with socks thank you!), and a turquoise mickey mouse baseball cap on. So my family goes to Universal studios and one of the attractions we check out is the Back to the Future "exhibit". Basically they bring in an audience and show you how they created the effects of flying and "shooting through time". They asked for two volunteers. A boy and a girl. My hand goes up instantly - I figure I can handle being on stage. Heck, I just performed pantomime for the last year. White face and all- I got this covered! So I go up on stage and the boy they pick is super cute. This is my chance to impress him! Sweet. So we get in the Delorian (sorry if that's misspelled), he in the driver's seat and me in the passenger seat. All I'm told is to scream like I can see we're flying really fast and I'm scared we're going to die. Awesome. The boy was just supposed to drive. So they get us all set up, cameras on us and all. The audience now sees up on a screen what it kinda looked like in the movie. The host tells me to start screaming. So I scream. A high pitched 10 yr old girl scream. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh" but I loose my breath and take a big inhale and let it out again...this time the scream is about an octave or more lower than when I had first started. "Uggggghhhhhhhh". As if I had some freak voice change! I don't know. All I know is that the whole audience started laughing like crazy. As embarrassed as I was, I think that's when the comedy bug hit.
I saw the cute boy later that day and tried to make eyes at him behind my big rimmed and thick glasses and smiled my big toothy grin- but got nothin in return.
Whatever, now I knew I could make people laugh.

Just a little something...

Today I had a customer who came up to my window laughing and saying: "your that funny teller aren't ya?!" I just smiled and said "What's your account number?" He laughed harder and gave me his account number. As I proceeded with his deposit and cash back I asked if he wanted me to leave the change in his account. "Bwahahahaha! ya I guess so. The change just weighs down my pants! Makes my pants fall down!", "Nope, don't want that." I responded. "Bwahahaha! Your a riot!" He still laughed as he took his cash and walked out the door.
The other day a lady came into the bank in her dance leotard. Now I know totally recognized it as a leotard but my co-workers thought it was a swim suit. Doesn't matter. The point is: Really? You're wearing that in public? yeesh.

Um...about that last post....

Plain and simple. I'm an idiot.
I have amazing friends. Friends in Ireland, in Washington, in Toronto, in Oregon, in New York, in Florida, in Michigan, and especially here in California. I don't often get in the "depths of despair" but when I do I loose sight of all the good and wonderful things in my life. I am a very lucky person (despite my car fiascoes).
Thank you so much my friends that are so supportive. Thank you friends that help me get around with all these car troubles. Thank you friends that go on adventures with me. Thank you friends that I love doing shows with. Thank you friends that help me get work. Thank you friends that are there to smack me upside the head when I get mopey- and show me how lucky and loved I am.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
There are gems in this town and I feel lucky enough to have found them.
There...some good sap after some crap sap from last post.

This is Hollywood Baby,

This weekend I was given a rough lesson in the reality of social gatherings among Hollywood actors. I tried to get people together to hang out for my birthday. It was at least two weeks ago that I had sent out my invitations. People responded quite positively and excited about the shin-dig. As it got closer to my birthday the excuses came in. "Sorry I have a show that night, I'll come to the party after.", "I have to work.", "Something came up." See that's why I sent you that invite at least 2 weeks in advance. So you could clear your schedule. Saturday was the day of my "shin-dig". I hadn't heard from hardly anyone. I looked at my list of people who said they were coming and marked each one off as I remembered them telling me they could no longer make it. I was left with one person. One person kept her schedule free because she had said she was going to come. She is a rockstar in my book now. I decided to scrap the drive in movie idea and the two of us would just go see a movie somewhere close by, then continue on with the party plans afterwards. As I went to pick her up my car broke down. I had to get it towed and then go out to the Burbank airport to pick up a rental. Enter two more rockstar friends: they were able to pick us up and drive me to pick up the rental. So, after the car fiasco we get back to my apartment and I start sending out the texts to let people know they can come on over. One after another I get the responses. More excuses. More things coming up. More messages making me feel like a pretty lame person.
Thankfully my closest friends began to show up and the fun took off. As I sat looking around my living room with tears in my eyes from so much laughter I knew that I was lucky to have this core group of people. I do have good friends.
I know it's not about the number of people of friends, but it's who. And some people really did have a good reason to not be there. But nothing deflates your excitement for a party (especially a birthday party you are throwing for yourself) like a crap load of messages from people saying they have something else they would rather do.
I have now officially given up on planning any party or event. I'm done. Everyone is so busy here it is nearly impossible to get people together. And hardly anyone really responds to you. I don't care if it's a "yes" or a "no", just let me know. It's like people being late. I hate to be late and I hate it when people are late. It says you have a lack of respect for that person's time.
This is a lonely town. We are all so focused on our own career building that we loose sight of the people next to us. In a town where our ego is beaten daily, we need to be reaching out and supporting each other. But this is not that kind of town.
It's reminder that I don't want to settle down here. Like dating that popular guy with all the money- it's fun for awhile just to "see what it's like", but you know he's not for you. This town has a lot to offer career wise but I feel that's too empty and cold for me. I want to connect with people on a real level.
But this is Hollywood baby, it's only screen deep.

A Few Things

I wonder how many people start out their blog posts "sorry I haven't updated sooner but..."
That's what I was thinking...then figured I appologize enough on a daily basis. So I won't do it now or here.

The other day there was a lady that was dancing while she waited in line. Actually I wouldn't call it "dancing". More like twirling in place while she kept count. She was completely serious too. The other customers in line didn't know what to do. Everyone looked at eachother like "do you see this?!" Meanwhile my co-workers and I were trying not to bust up laughing....until she left. I know your trying to probably get ready for some audition, but it's weird and disturbing to other members when you waltz in the door singing.
I can relate to most of the people who come up to my window, but then you get some that are just on another planet. One lady, as she was looking for her deposit in her purse, got excited about finding her deoderant and started putting it on. While she had her arm lifted and was deoderizing herself she asked me if I thought they should get rid of pennies. I just told her maybe if they changed the way they priced things. Earlier that day a middle aged man came up to my window and the first thing he said was "wow! That's a really big zit on your forhead!". I was well aware I had a zit (which really wasn't that big) on my forehead seeing as I had just looked at it in the mirror while on my lunch break. I didn't know what to say so I just looked at him and asked him if he was making a deposit. By the end of the transaction he realized what he had said and appologized.
I think it's time I make a few confessions. I find it very theraputic. So here I go:
Yes, I will take longer with some customers so I can avoid certain people next in line. Yes, I will hurry a customer at my window so I can help the cute guys next in line. I will simply nod my head and smile even though I really could care less about your opinions on politics. When I tell you to go away 'cause you creep me out - no, I'm not flirting. I am not your therapist as much as I like helping people. I hate it when people come in the last minute we're open. Even if you think your giving me a compliment I don't take it as one when you tell me I look 12. No, you are not the first to think my parents couldn't make up their mind between Julie and Lisa for my name. Sometimes I hold my breath while helping people who smell bad. Do you think no one notices that your driver's license picture was taken at least 25 years ago and you don't look like that anymore? You threatening to close your account only makes me want to close it more. If your going to be such a big baby and pain in the ass, I don't want to have to help you ever again. I will try to look busy if I see your next in line and your on your phone. I wish we had a dead phone zone in this bank.

Just a few little things and thoughts for the day.

My Own Series of Unfortunate Events

On average I do not consider myself a complete ditz, klutz, airhead, unlucky, or as if the universe was out to get me.
However, I am beginning to wonder. This turn of events began about week and a half ago when I headed out to my car in full joy of a nice sunny day, singing "Oh what a beautiful morning". I got in my car, key in ignition....aaaand nothing. My car didn't even feign an attempt at starting. Thank God I had just joined AAA. I had to call my boss to tell her I was going to be late and I waited for my rescue. The AAA guy came, looked at my battery, and suggested I just buy a new one- this sucker was dead. So, bought a new battery (not so cheap it turns out), and headed off to work. Later that weekend as I drove up to Camarillo to visit some friends my car overheated and I was nearly stranded out in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully the "nowhere" was close enough for my friend's mom and brother to come rescue me and my car. I don't think I will ever fully escape the feeling of being a kid. A few days later I decided to take a step outside of my apartment for some fresh air. As I closed the screen door my hand (by pure habit) decides to lock the door. There was a moment of looking at the door and feeling the urge to panic. But logic came into play and I realize panicking is not going to aid this situation at all. With only shorts, tank top, and n shoes, I'm thankful it's a warm night. I sit on my little cement porch and start praying that this will be the night my roommate comes home early. I even think "I could sleep out here, it's not cold. I'm sure she'll be home at some point." Cue cockroach scurrying across the step. "Nope, I think it's time to finally meet my neighbors." So after finally mustering up the courage knock on my neighbor's door I ask for some advice on how to get myself back into my apartment. We go through a few options like calling my landlord (I say "no" since it's 11pm at this point), just trying to break in ourselves (I say "no" since I have to no money to pay for buying a new door), and looking up my roommates number by looking up my cell phone bill online ( I say "yes" to this one). Unfortunately AT&T's site is down. Thanks to Facebook, I find a friend's number that would have my roommate's number (did I mention I am sans phone?). I finally get ahold of my roommate at 11pm, she is at a restaurant and says she'll be home soon. 12:30 am rolls around, no roommate. I'm getting antsy while I'm watching Jackass on my neighbor's couch feeling like a jackass myself. Due to her own fiasco, my roommate does not show up until 2am. Finally I get back in, 4 hours later and my neighbor asked if he could have a cup of sugar, I gladly offered it up.
So, finally, we're at last Saturday. I've relayed these fun fiasco adventures to a friend and he says "well, there's that rule of 3s. You should be good for now". Little did I know how wrong he was. I headed up to Camarillo once again for a bit of the Labor Day weekend and on my way I stop at a gas station (the same one I had to stop at with my over heated car) to get something to drink. Come to find out, my card doesn't want to work. My card is declined for a slushy. After calling customer service I get no answer since they are closed and I find myself facing the 3 day weekend with $1 in my wallet and half a tank of gas to get me back home and wherever else I need to get before Tuesday. Awesome.
The topper. #5 to my broken rule of 3. I get to my friends house, hang out, have a good time, get back to my car....aaaaand my keys are locked in my car. I have NEVER done this. NEVER. Thank you AAA for being awesome and coming to my rescue once again.
I would like to mention the fact that my "adopted" California parents of my friend totally surprised me by sneaking a little bit of emergency cash in my wallet that weekend. Yay for yet again feeling like a helpless kid.
I'm hoping this concludes my run of fiasco for quite awhile.
Here's to a quiet week.

Now What?

It's official, I'm an iO West (formally improv Olympic) alum. It took me roughly a year filled with 4 address changes, 3 jobs, one class session hiatus, and a ridiculous amount of fighting off my own expectation to be perfect right off the bat. Amazing how we can not accept the fact that there is nothing wrong being a beginner. I've been reading Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet and find it just the thing I need to hear. I highly recommend this quaint little book. An easy read and just nice dose of "hey dude, chill out and enjoy the process of growing. Quit beating yourself up and asking other people for answers. You got it in you kid." Ya, a dose of that.
So now what? This huge looming cloud (not a bad one or like the stormy rain clouds that I miss so much from the Pacific Northwest), has lifted and moved on. No longer am I spending 6 nights a week at the theatre, rushing from work to theatre to bed to work to theatre to bed...
Two weeks I've had this freedom and have enjoyed evenings in, hanging out with friends outside of the bar/theatre, and just spending time letting the dust settle. Give me another week and I'll be aching to start up projects again. Already in the works is the third episode of Dear Hollywood, my silent movie improv group, and a two person show with my good friend Katie Conway. Oh, did I mention I start up Kickball again next Monday. I consider this taking it easy.
Meanwhile...I'm actually enjoying my days working at the credit union.
Sorry, no crazy stories yet. Trust me, they are on there way. Once again I have a stack of notes for future entries (I just wanted to get you caught up). Crazies still come in, that's why I keep coming back. Right? ya....right.

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

When you feel at a loss for direction usually you ask someone for a little help. But the more people you ask the the more you find yourself going in circles.
And when it comes to asking advice about guys...forget it. I'm done with that. I wish I could show you a montage of what I've been hearing. It's just too comical to take too seriously my confusion. "Play hard to get", "Tease him", "Be aggressive", "Wait for him to come to you", "I can tell he likes you", "I don't think he's that in to you", it's ridiculous and it only proves that we don't really know anything about the opposite sex. I think if you just stay true to yourself you'll come across someone else just being themselves....and maybe something will happen.
I'm at the point of saying just "Forget it". I wish I no one would have gotten involved. It's truly embarrassing. I feel like a middle schooler. Do we ever grow out of this social awkwardness?
I know there's no point in trying to fight against the natural pull to find someone to share my life with...but there is line where you're just trying to hard. Then things get weird.
I'm tired of weird. I'm tired of awkward. And I'm tired of caring too much.
Done.

To My L.A Friends:

Have you ever been so happy that you find yourself embarrassed by it?
That's where I've found myself these days. But I have a good excuse.
Less than 2 months ago I was packing my bags to move back home to Washington. Leaving all I had worked for behind so I could move back into my parents house. Not even in my old room- my sister had taken that over. I would have got the basement.
I'm not usually a dark and depressed person. Even when I'm depressed only my close friends can tell. So to go from the "depths of despair" to discovering I have a second chance at living in L.A and pursuing improv at the iO (the very reason I moved down here) my heart filled with joy.
Coming so close to loosing all the friends I had made since being out here has made me appreciate L.A so much more.
Never in my life did I think I would live in L.A, but here I am. And I love it.
I'm realizing it's not the backdrop to our lives that gives it meaning, but who we are living our lives with.
Now when I see my friends I want to give them the biggest hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I almost lost you!" And with each evening spent hanging out I think "I would have missed getting to know you more and enjoying this moment." And with each new friend I make I feel like for once in my life I might be settling down (I haven't stayed in one place longer than a year since graduating high school).
How funny to call the last place on earth you thought you would like home.
My dear friends, I'm so happy my time has not been cut short with you. That we have so many adventures ahead of us. More little jokes to share, more heart to share, and so many things that I can't even guess at. It may seem silly, but I'm so happy I want to somehow share it with you. I wish I could literally give this joy to you.
I'm happy because you make this a home for me.

Dear Hollywood: Episode 2

Here's is the second installment of my Dear Hollywood series.



Through a strange turn of events, I may not have to move home as soon as I thought. I had an interview with bank today. This time a credit union. I really hope it all works out. Life...so funny.

Just Wondering...

I've begun a new project. A sort of web series discovering Hollywood from a hopeful innocent point of view.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OHQOvZOKBs

I was on set last night for a movie. My first time on the Warner Bros. lot, and it finally felt like the old school movie making experience I was hoping for. We were using the "New York" set, but instead of it making me ache for my own staring role in a big time movie, I suddenly found myself aching to see New York.
I knew moving down to L.A that it wasn't going to be a place I wanted to settle down forever. Although, as the months passed I grew to like southern California much more than I ever thought. Still, in my heart, I knew I would never be an L.A girl, or even a Cali girl.
It could be due to work being so slow, to exhaustion from trying desperately to find ways to pay my rent and other bills, to feeling so vulnerable and burnt out, that I find myself looking for the next step.
I've been considering moving back home to regroup my thoughts and pay back my parents for their ever-so-loving financial support.
I feel I have lost sight of what I want to do with my life (granted I kow there are new chapters and directions and things continue to change), but do I really want to be in movies? What about my desire to use comedy as therapy and counseling? What about more stage acting? What about going back to school? What about...? What about?...so much.
I will always be "studying" comedy and acting. But maybe it's time for a scene change. I miss clusters of tall buildings and brooding grey skies.
It's wierd, but I feel like something is pushing me to move out. At least for awhile. Maybe it's my history of not staying anywhere longer than 2 years (and feeling antsy after 1) since I graduated.
I don't know quite how to decipher through these feelings and thoughts.
We shall see.

Boldly Going Back To My Childhood

So I watched the new Star Trek movie last night and it was so weird how certain sound effects and lines totally took me back to watching Star Trek with my parents and sis when I was younger. The rest of my family was totally into it but I just camped on the outskirts of interest most of the time. Still, I'm sure I watched almost every episode of TNG because thats what we'd watch after dinner as a family.
It's very rare that I get into "action" type movies or those "saga" films with sequels, prequels, and so ons. Star Wars does absolutely nothing for me, Lord of the Rings was fun to watch once while at the movie theatre, Harry Potter was good for the movie theatre as well. And Star Trek I can't say I know too many details about the movies - although I vividly remember the one with the whales (but that's because I was totally in my marine mammal biology phase - before I got grossed out by fish). I started liking the t.v series a little more when the character "Wesley" arrived...'cause he was cute and I was just learning about crushes.
I know the difference between Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. All seemed to be in the back ground at home. I remember my favorite character in TNG was "Q". Oh that Q, always throwing monkey wrenches in and then being witty! The show had humor and some pretty good acting and fun story lines. All this seemed to be deeply burried until last night. I didn't realize how the show was really just having fun.
So, to go along with true form and showing how history repeats itself: I'm again intrigued by Star Trek.
Oh... did I mention I have a crush on Zachary Quinto? Move over Wesley, helloooo Spock.

Tinsel Tainted Dreams

No wonder people don't take flying leaps for their dreams. It's hard, discouraging, illogical, and scary as shit.
A couple weeks ago I finally followed through on quitting the bank. I had to fly home to visit my dying grandmother and spend some quality time with her and my family (which I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity). When I flew back I found my financial safety net had more holes than I thought. Within the 2 weeks back I've had 3 jobs working on set as an extra. An ideal job for someone who doesn't mind getting paid to sit around and read hours on end while waiting to be called to go stand somewhere. Finally I can make progress on my ever growing book list! Unfortunately the checks take awhile to arrive and this week I have been trying to not panic as I carefully watch my bank account and the mail box to see which will come first: the deposit (paycheck), or the withdrawal (bills). I just barely scraped by. Yesterday, I couldn't even buy Top Ramen. Today, I can. But still no bookings for this week. Living from one day to the next I have no knowledge of what's to come. To feel so financially insecure (by my own choosing) makes me realize all those warnings to young artists is true: You have to really want this. There will be times when you wonder what you're doing with you life, why you're throwing away a stable way of life, why can't you just pack up and go back to your hometown? Make a living doing something that may resemble a mere shadow of what your heart truly desires.
But I'm living my answer. Now, whatever happens, I will never have to ask myself "what if?". I know now. It's hard and I was repeatedly warned.
Tomorrow I have an interview with an agent. I take every little interest as a glimmer of hope. There's no point in being negative, sure you can prepare yourself for a fall, but then you don't give yourself any time to just enjoying life.
I'm thankful every time I drive down the 101 and pass the palm trees in this beautiful southern Californian sun. I take a mental picture while walking towards the Hollywood sign and over the stars on the boulevard. I'm here today, learning more, taking one more step. And wherever I go after this I'll still have this time with me. To use as I continue on in my studies and endeavors.
I'll just try to block out the traffic, the parking fiascoes, the smell of piss in dark nooks on the street, the crazy people trying to start a fight with you, the countless tourists blocking your way as you rush to your destination. They stand in awe. Squinting, hoping to see the Hollywood that once was. Under that grime, that smog, that specialty shop...there lies the Hollywood of their dreams.
How can I be angry? I catch myself doing it too.
We're here for a reason. Something has tugged at our hearts. Either to see it or be a part of it. This crazy entertaining tinsel town.
Little me, in this big city, trying to say "Look at me! I've got something you've never seen before!"
Who knows if I'll be heard....but at least I said it.

Flying Solo: Why Amelia Didn't Make It.

OK, OK I know Amelia had at least a navigator on that last fateful flight, but for the sake of imagination and where this blog is going....just go with it.
Last night I decided to fly solo to a social event I had been hoping to go to for awhile. The friends I had invited were either a) not able to come or b) flaked out. I thought of staying at home and watching yet another episode of 30 Rock but then thought if asked why I didn't make it my only truthful answer would be "I didn't want to come by myself". It seems like a lame excuse. Why would you let other people stop you from going to something you want to go to? Why does society say you can't go to certain events by yourself? It's o.k to go to an art exhibit by yourself, to the store, the library, but not a bar, a party, or the bowling alley.
This personal social experiment definitely taught me something about myself. While I did know the hosts to a certain acquaintance like status, I was surprised to find out I didn't know anyone else. This could either 1) force me to make new friends or 2) make me uncomfortable for the rest of the night. I did end up meeting a few new people but spent a good amount of time standing awkwardly by myself with a Sierra Nevada in one hand and my cell phone in the other. Like texting people says to the room "oh I'm alright, I do have friends, just not with me." Sad really. I probably could have talked to more new people but my self aware got to be so apparent in my mind that I had actually handicapped myself. Being the independent person that I usually tend to try to be, this frustrated me. No longer confident, my haunting past came to the forefront of my mind. The headgear, the buck teeth, the glasses, and horribly permed hair came back and clouded my mind when talking with people. How awful in this time to get to know people that all the redundant repeating of sentences of a 13 year old were the only things in my mouth.
I've had a lot in my mind lately due to crazy events taking place this last week so since I'm a verbal processor these new people were my sounding bored.
However, as much as I was self aware and feeling totally awkward I can count on the fact that this moment in my life will not be thought of in the same way by the others. We're all so aware of ourselves and what other people are thinking that we rarely notice or remember another person's awkward moments. Thank goodness for that!
And I did have a good time. The show was hilarious, and I did get to talk a little more to my new friends/acquaintances. Next time I'll bring a friend, we'll be each other's navigator. And if things get weird. We won't be crashing alone.

Two Weeks Till This Teller's done!

Yesterday I had a customer who was so impatient that while the lady at my window was putting her money away he shoved his way next by handing me his deposit over the lady's shoulder and then went to the other side of her and proceeded to slide his debit card in my machine so I could pull up his accounts. The lady looked embarrassed and tried to hurry off. When she was gone I said "Wow, are you in a hurry today?" "No, she was done and it was my turn".
It took everything in me to not say "You wait your turn mister! Go to the end of the line and wait. Who made you so special that you get to make everyone abide by your precious ass time and world!? Who brought you up? And where have your manners gone?"
But I didn't say it. Some of that inner monologue had to have slipped out through my facial expression because he then said "It doesn't matter now, it's all water under the bridge".
Oh really? Well I need some more money so I'm going to take some out of your account. What? Oh whatever it's all water under the bridge.

Two more weeks and I'll be out of there. I'm attempting to transfer but for now I'll enjoy my "leave of absence".
I'll be doing some background work and seeing what else I can find for work. Probably the surprising job choice of waitressing.
I came down here to "see what would happen if I pursued this Hollywood thing". How am I going to know if I don't take a chance? And the funny thing about chances and risks....there's never a "good" time to take them.
If this doesn't work out and all falls flat I know that I can fit everything I own in my little ford focus and drive home happy. Knowing that I answered my question. And then I would move on to the next adventure.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves......

"Can You Hear Me Now?" "Yes! Shut up!"

Today I had the weirdest response to the question "How would you like your cash back?" It was "Whowherewhywhat?!" She spurted out the words as if I had startled her and that was her yelp. I don't really know what to say except that was just the weirdest thing I had heard in response to a question.

And once again I've been having issues with cell phones. My aggravation flared up while sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. A middle aged lady and her elderly mother slowly made their way to a couple of chairs when the daughter's cell phone began to ring. How is it that so many people tend to find the most annoying ring tone then set it to the loudest setting and just let it ring for a full minute for all in ear shot to enjoy? Once the phone was answered the one sided conversation proceeded to out annoy the ring tone. "Oh I'm just taking ma to the doctors...ya this rain is horrible.....no no we don't have wind here....you have wind there?....huh...nope no wind here......yep....just sitting in the waiting room....I'm gonna see if I can ask the doctor 'bout my ankle....yep yep flaring up again....I know! This rain just won't stop (in my head I'm thinking "why can't YOU stop!") ....ok well I'll call you once we're outta here...buh bye." She hung up and just as I thought I might get a moment to concentrate on my book she flipped open her phone again and started dialing. She still had the phone set at "just how deaf are you!?" and punched one number at a time.. slowly. I could here it ringing and someone pick up on the other side. The conversation need not be repeated. Wasted air and time if you ask me. Nothing needed to be said. We, the forced audience in the waiting room, had no say in the matter of hearing about her personal matters.
This is the thing that gets me. A majority of the cell phone conversations I hear while in line at the check out, in the waiting room, in the book store, at my window all sound so pointless. Have we lost the art of conversation? Must we talk weather? Do you HAVE to pick up your phone while your handing me your deposit slip and call someone to say "oh nothin, just at the bank. What are you doing?"
Maybe this is because I'm not a phone person. I pretty much suck at talking on the phone. I always end up that awkward 13 year old girl who wants to say something important or witty and ends up forgetting what she started talking about because she got ahead of herself. Plus have you noticed how bad reception usually is on cell phones? Whether it's on my end our theirs I miss out on chunks of the conversation and just have to say generic safe things to say like "huh", "thats cool", "well that's how things go". And once I have to revert to that I'm checked out. I'm too embarrassed to ask you to repeat it. So I say I have to go make dinner or that I have to meet someone or my fish jumped out of this bowl and I need to save him....anything to get me out of that uncomfortable feeling.
Cell phones in public is like smoking indoors. Your forced to take it in other peoples crap.

Baby Stepping Stones

Once again I write nothing of bank business.
In a week I will be moving. About 40 miles closer to Hollywood where I take my classes, see shows, do shows, and work in the box office. I look forward to finally being able to take advantage of more opportunities to audition and do some background work.
But as I pack things from my little makeshift room I already feel a sense of emptiness. These "housemates" have become family. Once again I am picking up and moving to pursue my dream and passion, leaving my close connections and dear friends, and feeling self indulgent. I think that until something sparks my heart. Funny how it could be a movie preview, a theatre's marquee, a friend telling me a story about being on set, something that makes my heart jump and say "Yes, that is what makes me alive! Follow that!" And suddenly my fear and loneliness slips away.
I knew in December as I flew home that when I came back a new chapter would start. This first month of the new year has been an interesting preface for the year to come.

A Quest

The past 72 hours have some how rekindled a fire under my ass.
I had my first improv show Sunday night and I think it went rather well....for a first night. I crave, hunger, thirst, and long to become better at my craft. To raise the bar of quality and intelligence.
While talking with my friend Josh the other night I was verbally processing my dream for my life. I found myself spewing out ideas of traveling the world and researching comedy. Discovering how culture, society, economical class, geography, education, family heritage, surroundings, and other outside influences mold our sense of humor.
And if we are all human, what is the universal human comedy? I know it must be out there. What is funny verbally and what is funny physically? What crosses language barriers and brings us together through some cosmic juice of laughter?
Josh said it sounded like a great documentary idea. I think so too.
But what would I need to do before hand? Who to talk to? Who to get support from (there aint no way I'm traveling the world on my teller's salary!). There is so much I want to dig deeper into. What are the psychological effects? the mental and physical effects?
How can I prove that laughter does heal?

I went to a comedy club tonight and the acts were....not my style. I don't really care about being offended but I don't have much respect for people who go out of their way to offend or shock. One of the guys had good delivery, but his material was too cheap. By that I mean making jokes about retarded people, battered women, porn, and too many other jr high humor. Too easy if you ask me. Comedy is hard work. There's the timing, the sensitivity to your audience, the delivery, the vocabulary, the physicality. I know we all have different senses of humor. I'm learning that I can have admiration for a person's ability for comedy even if I hate their material. I can still learn. Either what to do or not to do.

With each day I find just how closely interwoven is my passion for comedy and helping people through laughter is to my purpose in life. It's as if someone has turned on a switch in me and I light up and talk, discuss, research, soak in for hours. I have so much to learn!

I've found myself around the people I was hoping to be around when I moved down here. But the reality of going from a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a freaking huge ocean makes me wonder if I'll ever get bigger.
My confidence has almost left me. I think I know what I'm talking about and then someone pipes in with even more knowledge or a correction. They have so much more talent, so much more knowledge. So much more seems to come naturally to them. And I'm jealous. But a good jealous. A determined jealous. "Fine!" I say "I'll go study more! Take more risks! I will grow and get better! So there!"

It isn't easy being this little fish. But I'm happy to be in the ocean.