No wonder people don't take flying leaps for their dreams. It's hard, discouraging, illogical, and scary as shit.
A couple weeks ago I finally followed through on quitting the bank. I had to fly home to visit my dying grandmother and spend some quality time with her and my family (which I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity). When I flew back I found my financial safety net had more holes than I thought. Within the 2 weeks back I've had 3 jobs working on set as an extra. An ideal job for someone who doesn't mind getting paid to sit around and read hours on end while waiting to be called to go stand somewhere. Finally I can make progress on my ever growing book list! Unfortunately the checks take awhile to arrive and this week I have been trying to not panic as I carefully watch my bank account and the mail box to see which will come first: the deposit (paycheck), or the withdrawal (bills). I just barely scraped by. Yesterday, I couldn't even buy Top Ramen. Today, I can. But still no bookings for this week. Living from one day to the next I have no knowledge of what's to come. To feel so financially insecure (by my own choosing) makes me realize all those warnings to young artists is true: You have to really want this. There will be times when you wonder what you're doing with you life, why you're throwing away a stable way of life, why can't you just pack up and go back to your hometown? Make a living doing something that may resemble a mere shadow of what your heart truly desires.
But I'm living my answer. Now, whatever happens, I will never have to ask myself "what if?". I know now. It's hard and I was repeatedly warned.
Tomorrow I have an interview with an agent. I take every little interest as a glimmer of hope. There's no point in being negative, sure you can prepare yourself for a fall, but then you don't give yourself any time to just enjoying life.
I'm thankful every time I drive down the 101 and pass the palm trees in this beautiful southern Californian sun. I take a mental picture while walking towards the Hollywood sign and over the stars on the boulevard. I'm here today, learning more, taking one more step. And wherever I go after this I'll still have this time with me. To use as I continue on in my studies and endeavors.
I'll just try to block out the traffic, the parking fiascoes, the smell of piss in dark nooks on the street, the crazy people trying to start a fight with you, the countless tourists blocking your way as you rush to your destination. They stand in awe. Squinting, hoping to see the Hollywood that once was. Under that grime, that smog, that specialty shop...there lies the Hollywood of their dreams.
How can I be angry? I catch myself doing it too.
We're here for a reason. Something has tugged at our hearts. Either to see it or be a part of it. This crazy entertaining tinsel town.
Little me, in this big city, trying to say "Look at me! I've got something you've never seen before!"
Who knows if I'll be heard....but at least I said it.
