Day One

Day one of this novel writing month. I wrote 2,095 words towards my first novel ever. But here's the interesting thing that happened. As I wrote I was inundated by my inner critic. I heard over and over things to make me not want to keep writing. Things like:
"This is so cliche!"
"You're just writing what you've read in other books"
"This is so childish/lame/boring/god awful!"
"You better not show this to anyone"
"You are wasting your time".

And other lovely things. But I kept going. As I trudged through my first few pages I kept thinking:
"I have never done this before - how could I be amazing at my first attempt?"
"You aren't born able to walk"
"You can't just jump to the top of a rock wall - you have to climb it"
"In a month I can say I wrote a novel. Beginning, middle, and end."
"I'm just making the clay so I can mold it later."

So, this has been quite an experience already. But I will continue on. Maybe that little angry critic will start to just turn into white noise.

I hope so. I'm not giving up.
At least, not on day one.

Just Hang In There!

Just in time for NaNoWriMo (starting tomorrow) I was taught some very important lessons this weekend through my new interest in rock climbing.

Things I have learned from my early beginnings as a rock climber:
Some things may seem huge and daunting and even impossible but you start with a step. A good firm foot hold, then look for a hand hold. There are times when all of your weight is on a tiny sliver of rock no wider than a dime (but it holds you safely). Sometimes you have to back up and plan your next couple steps. It's a puzzle and the joy comes from figuring it out and also in the continuing onward. This weekend, as I looked up the massive rock wall, I would not let myself back down or let my boyfriend think that I was a wuss. I will do this. I AM capable of greater things than even I can fathom. Already with just 3 days of rock climbing I have learned so much. Most importantly that I am capable of big things that look impossible at first. Oh, and always remember to enjoy the view!

So now I apply this to writing my first novel. It seems as impossible and daunting as Hell but I know I have it in me to do this. I will surprise myself if I just take that first step. There will be times of literally just hanging in there, but you keep going. No matter what, you have achieved more than when you were just starting, with your feet on the ground.

I feel so alive.

NaNoWriMo

I am so very excited for this to be my first year at participating in National Novel Writing Month I've had a couple stories I've wanted to tell floating around in my head but now I'm making the commitment to write 50,000 words in one month. I'm ever so grateful (and partially dreading) having friends who are also participating and will be keeping me accountable to my commitment. I do not know what to expect or where my story will take me, but I will be happy to finally not feel like an idiot for saying "I'm a writer" and have not much to show for it. Come December 1 I will have the first draft of my first novel done. My hope is to make it into a possible play or screenplay, but I think this will be a great starting point. Ok, here goes nothing!

A hazy fog of creative new births

Clarity.

There seems to be the theme I keep reading: "The universe will give you what you are seeking when you clearly know what you want"... or something to that effect. The past 6 weeks or so I have entered a thicker haze than I've been in before. Could have something to do with falling in love and being in an absolutely wonderful relationship. The kind I've always dreamed and hoped for. Suddenly all my gears that were going at high speed towards going after that "big career" have come to a slow squeaking crawl. At first I felt guilty for losing sight and motivation towards that big 'ol acting career I've been heaving and ho-ing towards. But this is life. A very rich time in my life. So I will enjoy it to it's fullest. LIVING life is what gives art it's fuel.

For 3 1/2 years here in LA I had been constantly on the move, figuring out what my path will be, what I need to do next, where to live, so many different jobs to pay rent, so many different places to pay rent, what shows to go for, who to talk to, am I getting out there enough?, how's my admin?, what did I "hit" and "miss" on my to-do list for the week?, etc. My only "vacations" were trips home for Christmas', weddings, and funerals. I didn't realize those weren't vacations until I had my first real one this last Labor Day. 3 1/2 years of work and struggle with little celebrations, and big heart breaks and no real break. I was tired. I still feel tired.

So I'm giving myself a long vacation. I'm going to put myself on a bit of hiatus from this industry hub-bub. I lost sight of what I really want in my life. I felt pushed and shoved into doing "the right thing" from good intentioned friends and mentors. And finally I've just hit a wall. There is no "right" path to fulfilling your dreams - the only "wrong" way is sitting on your hands and not doing diddly squat 'cause you're scared. There is nothing wrong with your creative path taking crazy turns. Even turns that seem to make you feel like you're going back wards. It's still on the path forward - it's just a very windy road. A month ago I took my friend Jude's stand-up comedy class and absolutely loved it. A part of me has always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. So maybe this is the time that I focus on that. I'm not a slacker or a flake for taking time off and away from scene study class. Maybe in these times of feeling unsure about what I really see myself doing in 10, 20, 30 years all I can do is listen to my heart and just please it. Whether it be taking tap dance lessons, doing open mics, staying home for an evening and playing my ukulele, having wonderful weekends filled with play and laughter with my guy and my friends. I feel that all of these are getting me closer to that big hope that I have that one day I will be able to entertain and make millions of people laugh and be happy. I want to be an entertainer. A well rounded-Jill-of-all-trades entertainer. So I guess that means letting myself go from creative outlet to creative outlet. I was designed this way. I can't just focus on one thing and do it forever. I'm always evolving and changing and finding new passions. That's what art does. It doesn't stand still.

So, although I can't give you a written down exact idea of what I want to do with my life.... I think that's who I am. Making art with each day. And making millions of people laugh...one, or ten, people at a time till the day I die.

Funny, I feel like things are looking a little clearer...

The Art of Acting Does Not Stand Still

I'm almost done reading Year of the King by Antony Sher. Quite inspiring and helpful on my journey as an actor and digging deeper into the art of acting.

A couple quotes that have really stuck out to me are: "People have less emotions than actors think they have. For much of the time we hide our emotions, we haven't time for emotions. Our brains work so much faster than our emotions." This was said by the RSC voice coach Ciss Berry.

But this one really struck me: "Acting is just your view of other people. It must keep changing as you do, growing with you, improving as you learn more. Of all the arts it is the most human. So it must never stand still."

All too often I want to be an Olympian actor. One of the greatest. I'm only 27 years old. Why do I feel so behind in my craft? There is an unending tape that plays in my head - like a ticker tape saying "You're just an amateur. You don't even have a real degree in acting!" This can be crippling as well as helpful. Crippling if I continue to believe it and just slump over and give up. Believing I will only ever do community theatre for the rest of my life (by the way - that is fine if that's what you want to do. And I applaud all of my dear friends that do back home. But that is not what I want for myself).  

Or I could use it as fuel to keep working. I've begun going into the theatre for an hour every morning before work at the studio where I take my scene study classes (here: http://www.stuartrogersstudios.com/ ). I'm not a gym person, but the theatre is my gym. My playground. I go in, do my physical and vocal warm-ups and begin work on a new monologue. My goal is to have a handful of strong and wide range of monologues so I will be more than ready when the time comes. I have my eyes on the professional theatre companies here in LA and also the auditions for regional and touring companies.

Sometimes you can get lost in the romanticism of art and being an artist. You believe you have this wonderful talent and that you will be able to call on it when the time comes. But it's like a muscle, if it's not in fine form you will more than likely pull something and hurt yourself... or fall on your face when that big opportunity arrives. I want to be ready. I want my muscles for auditioning to be so toned and strong that even with all my nerves and excitement those muscles will kick in and take care of me.

This takes time. Time. TIME!!

I'm a sprinter by nature so this is something I'm having to continually remind myself of. I want everything to work now! I want to take all these wonderful workshops and classes. But rent comes first. So I have to put all of my faith in God's own perfect timing. If I don't get to take that really awesome commercial workshop that I know will be a good investment and super helpful this month - it will not be a tragedy. Perhaps I can take it next month. Who knows, maybe there are the perfect people in that class for me to meet in the next month's class as opposed to right now.

You don't know what tomorrow holds. You don't know what today even holds!

So, I have my goals. What I dream of. Those are always in the back of my mind but I need to breathe and just take in this moment. This moment right now. Live and enjoy that moment of working on my monologue, or the play I'm reading, or the conversation I'm having with someone.

I wish I was better at this. I'm always 5 steps ahead.

I'm trying to remember something I heard in class the other night: You only have right now, this moment, on stage. Live it fully.

Let the play take me for a ride. Let life take me for a ride.

Ease my white gripping knuckles off the controls and see what happens. Trust that there is an amazing journey ahead of me. One better than I can even construct. Let myself grow and learn and rejoice in each new lesson. I am proud to be a beginner. A hopeful child in this theatre world.

The Actor's Vow

I stumbled across this after watching PBS' and Martin Scorsese's documentary about Elia Kazan. Both of these things have inspired me deeply.

Here's The Actor's Vow that Elia Kazan wrote:

I will take my rightful place on stage
and I will be myself.
I am not a cosmic orphan.
I have no reason to be timid.
I will respond as I feel;
awkwardly, vulgarly,
but respond.

I will have my throat open,
I will have my heart open,
I will be vulnerable.
I may have anything or everything
the world has to offer, but the thing
I need most, and want most,
is to be myself.

I will admit rejection, admit pain,
admit frustration, admit even pettiness,
admit shame, admit outrage,
admit anything and everything
that happens to me.

The best and most human parts of
me are those I have inhabited
and hidden from the world.
I will work on it.
I will raise my voice.
I will be heard.


And here is the link to PBS' American Masters : Elia Kazan
http://video.pbs.org/video/1947064818

I have something to say, so I choose to say it silently.

This summer I have been so happy and grateful to the Academy (as in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) for having Silent Movie Mondays. As a lover and creator of silent films it has been so refreshing to see large audiences coming out to see these screenings.

Most of my exposure, up until this summer, has been to Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, and a little bit of Harold Lloyd. But now I am so happy to add to my list Janet Gaynor, Douglas Fairbanks, Ronald Colman, Richard Barthelmess, and a handful of others. This summer's selection has been the Photoplay winners of the 1920s and like most awards winners - few, if any, are comedies. I love watching these dramatic 2 hour long films. I'll admit, after the films are done I feel quite drained. I'm assuming it's due to a few factors. One being that since it is a silent you can't take your focus off the screen for a moment or you'll miss something important, and the other because emotionally you are so connected to these actors and the story. You have to be in order to follow along.

So much is said and not a word heard. I love it. I'm in heaven. In this day in age where so many words are said at a mile and a half pace - and yet rarely is anything said or communicated it is amazing to see what happens when all your efforts to reach out and communicate have to be done in other forms.

For my own silent films I sometimes wonder if I'm leaning more towards cutesy/adorable/funny or if I am really trying to say something. I want to be. As an artist I think it is my duty to say something. Isn't that one of the main points of art? I want my films to say something about this world we live in. The society we let rule us. To cry out of my broken heart to see such a lazy world. And to celebrate those times when love reaches out beyond the safety of self and touches a friend or stranger.

But these are just words. I hope to make them fewer. Let my eyes and ears be bigger. And my films be louder - in heart.

My First Oscars

For those of you who have been asking how my night was:

I remember as a kid always watching the Academy Awards and trying to figure out what year I would realistically get to go. I think I had figured by the 80th year- I made it to the 83rd. Not too bad for calling it when I was in high school. Even last year I had said I would be at the Oscars in a year. I was right but I wish I would have been more specific in my statement. I wasn't expecting to be working at the Oscars. Still, it was a lovely, interesting, and entertaining experience.
I was unsure of my exact duties before I went. All I knew is that my fellow Kodak tour guide co-workers and I were to be helping the ushers. Even when I showed up the day of I still didn't quite know what I was doing. At least I was at the Kodak and knew my way around, this theatre is kind of another home, so I wasn't too nervous.
I got to the theatre at about 11am, watched some of the tech rehearsal for the evening show and just observed the hustle and bustle of the lively theatre getting ready for show time. At 1pm we had a meeting going over all the things we needed to know - knowing who went to which floor by looking at the guest's tickets, who was allowed on to the Orchestra level, when people could be seated, what to do with wheelchairs...I got a little overwhelmed with all the information but figured a) I'm good at just pretending I know what to do and b) I could always just ask if I get really confused. Thankfully to start the evening off I was given the duty of handing out programs to all who came through the front doors. The doors were opened at 2:30 and I stood in the cold draft for about 3 hours. People started to slowly trickle in and then for the last hour the masses came. I was handing out programs so fast I almost missed noticing Colin Firth was standing in front of me. There I was with plenty of funny witty wisecracking things to say to all the people coming in and then there was Colin Firth. I don't get star struck, but there was this moment of having two worlds sort of collide. There is the Hollywood world where you see these people on the big screen and they seem somewhat bigger than life and far removed from you, and then here they are standing right in front of you as just another friendly human being giving you a big smile.
I didn't see all the "big stars" come through the front doors but every person I handed a program too I gave a big smile and warm welcome. My tour guide mode turned on and I had a ball just joking with everyone.
Throughout the evening I was all over the theatre except for inside. They are very very strict about who goes into the "chamber" during the show, but running around the lobbies on all the floors and taking people up and down the elevator had it's perks too. Joined Geoffrey Rush in the elevator at one point.
I wish I was better at explaining how I felt that evening. Part of me felt like it was just another job, the other part took everything in and fantasized about the day I would be there as a guest and perhaps even as a nominee. It's a funny thing to admit that. You know so many people wish and think that but for some odd reason if you say it out loud you are scoffed at or just given the "ya, sure you will" followed by a pressed smile. But I don't think any of those people there that night ever let that really get to them. Even when a lot of them started off completely broke, about to give up and go home, living in their cars, or trying desperately to just get a foot in somewhere, did they truly listen to the cynical and jaded voices of "You're wasting your time." "Who do you think you are?". Sure those voices are there...but there is a drive, a passion, a hunger that will not let you go. You have to push on because you know that you weren't meant to do anything else.
So, as I left the theatre that night with my tour guide friends, we walked down the red carpet to go home. Passing Nicole Kidman, Colin Firth and his Oscar, and Jeremy Renner, I headed to my car that would take me back to my little studio apartment in North Hollywood. Back to the little place I call my own and where I'm writing out my own journey and dream.
This won't be my last Oscars night.

My Official Website!

I finally have an official website. So very happy - despite the fact that it is a work in progress....but then, isn't everything?

Here ya go:

www.julisalyn.com