A hazy fog of creative new births

Clarity.

There seems to be the theme I keep reading: "The universe will give you what you are seeking when you clearly know what you want"... or something to that effect. The past 6 weeks or so I have entered a thicker haze than I've been in before. Could have something to do with falling in love and being in an absolutely wonderful relationship. The kind I've always dreamed and hoped for. Suddenly all my gears that were going at high speed towards going after that "big career" have come to a slow squeaking crawl. At first I felt guilty for losing sight and motivation towards that big 'ol acting career I've been heaving and ho-ing towards. But this is life. A very rich time in my life. So I will enjoy it to it's fullest. LIVING life is what gives art it's fuel.

For 3 1/2 years here in LA I had been constantly on the move, figuring out what my path will be, what I need to do next, where to live, so many different jobs to pay rent, so many different places to pay rent, what shows to go for, who to talk to, am I getting out there enough?, how's my admin?, what did I "hit" and "miss" on my to-do list for the week?, etc. My only "vacations" were trips home for Christmas', weddings, and funerals. I didn't realize those weren't vacations until I had my first real one this last Labor Day. 3 1/2 years of work and struggle with little celebrations, and big heart breaks and no real break. I was tired. I still feel tired.

So I'm giving myself a long vacation. I'm going to put myself on a bit of hiatus from this industry hub-bub. I lost sight of what I really want in my life. I felt pushed and shoved into doing "the right thing" from good intentioned friends and mentors. And finally I've just hit a wall. There is no "right" path to fulfilling your dreams - the only "wrong" way is sitting on your hands and not doing diddly squat 'cause you're scared. There is nothing wrong with your creative path taking crazy turns. Even turns that seem to make you feel like you're going back wards. It's still on the path forward - it's just a very windy road. A month ago I took my friend Jude's stand-up comedy class and absolutely loved it. A part of me has always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. So maybe this is the time that I focus on that. I'm not a slacker or a flake for taking time off and away from scene study class. Maybe in these times of feeling unsure about what I really see myself doing in 10, 20, 30 years all I can do is listen to my heart and just please it. Whether it be taking tap dance lessons, doing open mics, staying home for an evening and playing my ukulele, having wonderful weekends filled with play and laughter with my guy and my friends. I feel that all of these are getting me closer to that big hope that I have that one day I will be able to entertain and make millions of people laugh and be happy. I want to be an entertainer. A well rounded-Jill-of-all-trades entertainer. So I guess that means letting myself go from creative outlet to creative outlet. I was designed this way. I can't just focus on one thing and do it forever. I'm always evolving and changing and finding new passions. That's what art does. It doesn't stand still.

So, although I can't give you a written down exact idea of what I want to do with my life.... I think that's who I am. Making art with each day. And making millions of people laugh...one, or ten, people at a time till the day I die.

Funny, I feel like things are looking a little clearer...