Hello You

Last night I got to perform my sketch "Hello You" (that I wrote) at the iO West's "Nicest Sketch in the World" Competition. As I sat back stage with the rest of the anxious actors I felt so happy to be where I was. Only a month and a half of living in L.A and I'm performing on the iO main stage. I've written my very first sketch, it's picked by Dave Holms and is considered one of the "nicest sketches in the world". He was so nice to talk to and he said he really loved "Hello You"
I didn't win the competition. The winner was decided by the audience. There were 7 other scenes and all were pretty darn funny. I had such a blast just being a part of this.
Thankfully I was lucky enough to make some friends before all this and was able to have one of my new friends perform with me. He did a great job. Woo Allen!

So, I'll include a little synopsis of my scene for you guys:
A guy and a girl walk hand in hand and sit on a park bench. Enjoying their cute little romantic setting, the guy and girl say how much they like being with each other. There is a long silence and the girl begins to feel awkward. So, to lighten the mood she turns to him and says "Hello you". The guy quickly responds with "I love you too." She is stunned but doesn't want to make him feel bad. She anguishes over what to do and finally blurts out that she said "hello you" not "I love you" and that she feels really bad because this is a big step for them but she's not ready and she couldn't live with the idea their relationship would be based on a Hello You misunderstanding. They guy expresses his relief saying he only said it because she said it. They sit for a moment then decide to go get pizza. As they leave, they turn to each other and say "Hello you"
Black out.


If only when this really happened to me 2 years ago I could have told him I said "Hello you" and not just kept silent during our romantic awkward moment. Ah life.

Training

Having a guy roommate who is neither you brother or significant other is like marriage training with out the benefits. I love my roommate. He's a great guy and totally laid back, but there are times where I feel like I'm getting a glimpse into the future of a married life. I find myself cleaning up after him. Rewashing his dishes, re-cleaning what I've asked him to clean...I find myself following a step behind him to do damage control but trying not to let him notice.
This morning we heard a big "pop" come from the refrigerator. I opened the door to discover his Rockstar he put in the freezer section had exploded and was dripping all over the rest of the refrigerator inhabitants. I asked him to please clean it up before going to work as it would dry and get really sticky all over the place. He grabbed for a big white clean bath towel to start cleaning. I quickly got a wash cloth and switched out the towel for him. He was done in a matter of a couple minutes. I knew there was no way he could have cleaned out that entire little fridge in that time. So, slyly, I got something out of the fridge and began to wash it off. "Oh! Did it get on that too?" It's every where buddy. So he cleaned a second time.
I waited till he left for work to do my version of the fridge wipe down.
One day after work I came home to find our one dish towel and all the dish rags in the dirty pile covered with coffee stains. I went looking for the big spill site and didn't find much of anything. I washed out the rags and towel as best I could since we needed something to clean dishes with later. I later found out what had happened was that there was some water on the kitchen floor from the wet dishes and Jon had slipped on it, flaying backwards, then forwards and head butting his head on the the mug of coffee he had set on the edge of the sink. The coffee few everywhere, the curtains, the wall, the floor, and all over his face and shirt. After hearing this I couldn't be mad at all. I was trying so hard not to pee my pants from laughing at the image of him face butting his coffee on the counter. He's kind of a klutz.
Last night Jon said something about the plugged kitchen sink and said I shouldn't dump my mac and cheese noodles down the drain because that's what clogged it. I didn't want to get in a battle of who's fault it was and my mac and cheese weren't in that sink longer than earlier that evening. The drain had been getting continually worse since we got here. I didn't feel like pointing out he dumped his grease from his cooking down the drain every night and that this sink was a problem before we even got here.
At night Jon likes to go to sleep watching television. Me, a light sleeper, finds this hard to cope with. Most nights I have to turn the t.v off after he's fallen asleep.
The bathroom situation still tends to make me feel a little awkward. With only a curtain and no door I think we both wait till the other is gone to work to do any personal business in there. With a curtain only separating our rooms I'm worried about a gust of wind blowing the "door" open while I'm changing.
I find myself on edge and unable to really relax. Apparently I like my things clean, organized, and safe.
Jon is a great roommate. It's just that the confines of this apt. are a little too small, and frankly, I've discovered, until I'm married, I'll stick with girl roommates.

A Month in Hollyweird

Well, I've been here just a little over a month now. I'm working two jobs. One as a barista (as earlier predicted) and also working for Ann Taylor (women's apparel) . Coffee and Clothes. What more could a girl want?
Our bathroom of death continues to worsen. The only thing I could find to keep the shower head where it belonged was electrical tape. So far it's holding up but due to the amount of times the shower head has fallen, there is a nice big crack in it, I'm pretty sure more water comes out the crack then through the actual spray area. Water pressure is lacking. I might as well wash my hair in the sink....if that wasn't clogged. I think the sink in the kitchen is beginning to get back up as well. So now we just brush our teeth and spit into the toilet. That we can flush and make go away....for now.
Thankfully we made a deal with our renter to only pay every two weeks since we are desperately looking for a new place to stay. Right now it looks like I may be moving out into the suburbs for a while to live with my friend Candice (she was a roommate of mine in N. Ireland). Rent will be much cheaper and I need to get into a place of better financial security. Even with two mediocre jobs I can not afford a place close to the metro rail. I feel I'm taking quite a step back, but I think it's best for the long run. I hope to still make it to my improv classes once a week, but that might be it for improv for now. Sometimes it's best to slow down to get a stronger footing. That way I can run longer and further instead of burning out and having to move back home.
This will make things easier for Jon since now he can look for a place closer to work and it doesn't need to be by the metro in the more expensive areas.
All in all things are going well. I'm really enjoying this learning process of growing up and living in the real world. Finances suck as I'm sure you all know. So it's been interesting figuring out what works best for me.

Before ending this update I have a great Hollywood story for you!


I had the most stereotypical run in with a Hollywood director/producer the other day. I was walking along the street and this tall black man walked up to me and said "Girl, mmm you better put some aloe vera on your skin every day!" I told him I always wear sunblock to which his reply was "Ya, but you need to put aloe on to keep it nice and soft and protected. You have some nice fair skin....What you do in this town?" I told him I started doing improv. I tried to get away but he kept talking. "Oh your a funny girl. When's your show I'd love to see you. I'm a director and a producer and I'm always looking for someone new who's got 'it'. You have a brilliance about you. I can see that. Your going to make it to the top." I thanked him for his encouragement and tried to leave again. "You should call me. Here put my number in your phone. You have a phone, Don't pretend you don't". So I took out my phone hoping this would finally let me leave. He gave me his number and I pretended to put it in. " Now you better call me. Don't go all Hollywood on me and not call. We can just hang out or something. I'm doing lots of projects and doing stuff for HBO and shit." I told him that was great. After a little bit more awkward sentences were spoken I finally got away.
A couple hours later as I was enjoying a nice ice tea and a book at Cafe Audrey the guy showed up again! He was just visiting a friend who "supposedly owned the place". "Well look who it is! This must be fate!" He sat down at my table and the awkward conversation resumed. I tried so hard to get him to go away but still be nice. "Why haven't you called? I'm just kidding. But seriously you should call me soon. Sorry I'm so jittery right now I'm in the middle of a bunch of shit that I"m getting started. I'm doing a documentary that's up for a Nobel Peace Prize." It has something to do with a nation and God....I don't know. I couldn't read his outline because he kept talking a mile a minute. Laying all his cards on the table of how special he was and all the stuff he was doing. At that moment two Hollywood Hotties walked by and he stopped in mid sentence to look at them. He turned back to me and said "Mmm, I'm always looking for new talent." I looked through some of his other papers he had on the table and noticed another "project" titled something like "Sexy Kittens". Hmmm a Nobel Peace Prize piece and porn. You really got all your areas covered.
Finally he left the table after shaking my hand three times and staring at me for a long time "absorbing my 'brilliance'". I thought about my run in and laughed. Over the course of two conversations he never once asked my name or really anything about me. He sold himself on every level. How sad, I thought, those caricatures are true for a reason. They really exist.

A Few Weeks In La La Land

What do I have in common with Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, and Mary Pickford? I have the same size hands. I know! I checked - first hand at Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

Today, as I walked over the stars across Hollywood Blvd. in search of a new place to call my own, my tired feet stumbled into the cutest cafe. Cafe Audrey. Done up in black and white with pictures of Audrey Hepburn hung across the walls. A wonderful highlight to my rather disappointing day. Even with two jobs I don't see much hope in affording a studio apartment on my own. Most studios in the area run about $1,000 a month to $1,500 a month. However...I do still hope. If I can get myself 2 jobs (at a cafe and hopefully soon at Ann Taylor) in a matter of a few weeks in town - I can find a place to call my own.

Things really have gone well so far despite the cramped living quarters. I met Al Pacino the other day and saw a private screening of his new documentary he's working on. There was only 15 of us in that private screening room on the Santa Monica Boardwalk. My being there was all due to my roommate being Al's assistant. While watching his movie I would remember every now and then that I was only a few feet away from Al watching his movie...just three weeks of being in town! What are the odds?!

While still new to the city I find it justifiable to do touristy things - hence Grauman's Chinese Theatre. After the tour I got to talking to the guide. He gave me his e-mail address and said if I ever wanted to see a movie in that great theatre (one of the finest in the nation) just to write and he'd get me a ticket.
I've had my first class at the iO (improv Olympic) and am excited for the knowledge to come. All those I've met who are in the program or are alumni of the program have been so nice, encouraging, and welcoming. The iO is a very nice place to be. The heart there is the closest to pure and genuine that I have felt while here.
I found a theatre that plays old movies! I rejoice at any chance to get a first hand glimpse of the golden era of Hollywood. I hope to find more. While walking across those stars on Hollywood Blvd. I kinda feel that the dirt and grime represent the hard times in the beginning. It's what stands between me and that star.
From this quaint Audrey cafe I write to you and give my love and best wishes. I thank you all for your continued support.
More to come. Much love. Cheers

Shower of Death

Here's an adventure for ya! So our bathroom is trying to kill us. The shower head isn't really attached to the wall. Well it is, by one screw that loosely hangs in the wall. I'm scared to turn my back in case the screw lets loose. And if the pipe holding up the shower head does choose to stay then the clip holding the actual head of the shower is only half a clip. You pray that gravity won't be pushing the limit so it will stay up there. But gravity is not always on your side! One day while Jon was turning off the water the shower head fell and hit him on the spine. I shower in fear of my life!
Over the past couple days the drain in the sink has been getting slower. Today it came to a dead stop. Jon and I attempted to unclog it. I bought the Draino (which took me an hour to go get using the wonderful bus system of L.A). No luck. He took out a part of the pipe and when the smell filled the room I thought he was going to loose it....and if he lost it I would CERTAINLY loose it! So I ran into the other room.
I though it was bad enough having a curtain for a door. That was only the beginning.....

Stories From A Starving Starlet

So, my first week in Hollywood has been an interesting adventure. Filled with high and low points. High was being greeted by my friend at the airport. Low was seeing my new apt.

I figure I'm on the right track. What successful actor/actress started out with an amazing apartment? So what if our apartment is small and in the ghetto? So what if the first morning there I had to kill of a hoard of ants on the kitchen counter. At least anything I move to now will be a step up!

The other day I almost bought a car...then realized the wallet doesn't close back up at the price tag. Oh no! Since I had never even considered buying a car I had to go through the eye opening experience of seeing the number grow when adding in lisence, registration, taxes, insurance, monthly payments, gas....ya....so what did I smartly decide?
I bought a bike!

It's gas efficient! It's earth friendly! I don't have to buy a membership to the gym! See?! So many good things.
Along with my tiny apartment in the ghetto comes a the joy of really getting to know my roommate. The bathroom only has a curtain separating the two rooms. So, every morning I excuse myself to the living room while he takes his morning...well, you know. What makes it even more interesting is my roommate is a guy friend from Comedy Sportz Portland (we have a mutual friend as well). So.... what a fun way of getting to know someone eh?
I've started out on the right foot. A tiny apartment in a sketchy neighborhood, e-mailing headshot and resume to as many casting announcements as possible, no car, no job....
Until I get to be one of those paid starlets, I think I may take up coffee making again. You know, work on my foam art. Perhaps have stories "From the Berated Barista".

One other good thing about where I live: from my kitchen sink I can see the "Hollywood" sign. A little motivation as I wash my dishes and kill more ants.

My Last Day

No longer do I have to explain to customers why I haven't left yet. No longer will I hear the teasing "Thought you went to Toronto!" or "Your still here?!?" or "So, you ever getting out of here?".
Friday was my last day at the bank. My co-workers surprised me with balloons and a cake at my window so all day my customers wished me "Happy Birthday". To most of them I explained they were going away balloons - hence the "Good Luck" written on the balloon. I felt like I had to convert every one I talked to.
"Where you going to?"
"L.A" I said.
"What?! Why! It's gross and dirty and dangerous."
"Thanks for the encouragement. I'm going down there to do improv and comedy."
"Ooohhh that's going to be hard. You know, not everyone makes it."
"Really? I thought you just go down there, take a number, and wait for your turn at fame! I thought following your dreams was easy and paved with great financial security and great things falling into your lap!" - this was not said but said in my mind before saying "ya, I know, but pursuing your dreams isn't easy."
I would then go on about how I already had a room mate, a hopeful transfer with the bank, money saved up, friends offering me their couch if I needed a place to stay to get back on my feet if financially tight.
Finally by the time they left my window with their cash and receipt I got a hand shake and best wishes in return.
I still have so many more stories to share about my crazy customers. So here are my little notes I've kept by my keyboard.

- Loosing my censor on things I say back to customers : A man came up to my window and handed me his credit card payment saying "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." to which my response was "Really? I thought that only happened to women."
A customer angrily asked me why his account was overdrawn. Out of my mouth flew "Because you spent more than your had."
When young women (and older ones) come up to my window caked in makeup and wearing tight fitting clothing hand over a pile of ones I have to hold back the comment "Gee I wonder where you got these." Usually it's the answer you would first suspect.

-Things that I've heard from my customers which has made me think that those with rich bank accounts have poor manners: A lady asked me if I could see if the money she was giving me for her credit card payment was the closing balance. I told her that I had no access to credit card accounts except to make payments but she could call the customer service number to speak with someone to get her account info. She aggressively asked me to call that number and talk to customer service for her. I told her I couldn't because the line was growing longer and because it was not our job or responsibility to deal with customer's credit card accounts. She looked at me a moment then said "Well! You can't do much of anything!" I stared blankly at her for a moment and then proceeded with her payment.

-There have been many times that I have helped a customer with their deposit and after filling out their entire deposit slip and processing it in the computer the customer looks at their receipt and says "I asked you put it in savings!" When they had distinctly told me checking. I don't know how many times I have had to re-write deposit slips because my customer can not make up their mind as to what they want to do. They blame me for taking up their time and for not listening to them.

-Cell phones are another issue that seems to worsen everyday. To my dismay I've had people who get up to my window while on the phone, proceed with a pointless conversation, wait until they are finished on the phone, then do their banking. Or it's the reverse. While in the middle of them telling me of their banking desires their phone rings. They answer and when I've given them their receipt they remain at my window until their conversation is over. A few customers are a little more considerate and try to pack up their stuff while on the phone. How funny to watch them awkwardly putting their cash and card and receipt in their wallet or purse with one hand. Some try the shoulder ear hold so they can use both hands but that usually ends in disaster with their phone crashing to the floor.

-I have a terrible habit of being a psychic teller and finishing my customer's sentences. I seem to not have the patience to wait for them to find the words. Oddly enough I already know what they want.
"Can I have an......"- "Envelope?"
"Could you give me a...." - "A balance?"
"I need to get money out of my....." - "Checking?"

-Oooh! Here's a favorite of mine. Customers who tell me what I can do as a teller. "I don't know my account number! That's your job! You have it in that little computer of yours. Just look me up and you can find me." Or when they tell me that I don't need to put a hold on their checks, or that they don't need to give me their i.d when cashing a large or state issued check. "Well I know 'so-and-so' and they always cash them for me. You must be new!". Their reason behind their advice is that they used to work in a bank and they know the rules. Funny thing is, if they really did work in a bank they should know that the rules and regulations are constantly changing due to security.

-Sometimes I really do feel like and advice consultant. One customer asked me how much I should take out of his account. "Well, what are you using the cash for?" I ask. "Rent? Bills? For fun?" Like I should know how much you want!

-Weird pick up techniques: I've gotten business cards, numbers written on bank papers, odd pick up lines. One guy, after offering him a candy, asked if I wanted to share. My facial response of disgust gave him my answer quick enough. One guy told me he didn't want small talk. He was in a hurry. However, he gave me his business card. He said if I ever needed windows or something to give him a call. I told him not likely since I was moving to California. With that he leaned in the window and rested his chin on his hand and said "well now I have to talk to you. You intrigue me". Nice going buddy, you just told me I wasn't worth your time a second a go. I made the mistake of saying I was going to go to California to do improv and comedy. "Oh comedy! Tell me something funny". I denied his request but he kept asking. Finally he said "I'll give you a topic and you say something funny about it." He gave me the topic of babies. So I told him of a loud baby in the audience for a show I did. When I finished he asked for more. I said "Look, I just did your whole deposit, got your cash, counted it correctly, filled out your deposit slip, and got your balance for you, all while give you a 'comedy' routine about babies. Give me some credit." He leaned in once again and said "I will leave you with this piece of advice: Do you know what the greatest sign of human love is?" Please don't let it be me going on a date with you I thought. "Human sacrifice." With that, he left. Looking back on the conversation I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or insulting me. One positive note: a guy sent a rose through the drive up. I liked that deposit.

-One lady and I were talking of gas prices and when I gave her her cash she said I don't know why I need to buy so much gas. I have too much of my own. FYI: You don't need to discuss your personal health issues with your bank teller.

-With so little reliance we now have on human interaction I find we listen less and less. When asking a customer what I can do for them I get the reply "Fine" before I even finish asking my question. Sometimes when a customer asks for the balance and I tell them they say "No it's not! What is it really?" Right, like I would lie about your balance. If you ask me again I'll change my answer. So keep on asking and maybe you'll hear the balance you like! This consistent repetition of a question when not liking the answer is more common than you may expect. Some people are just determined to bully you into telling them what you want to hear.
I find a dark humor to this. If they are already being a jerk I find it funny to see how far I can go with still being "nice" to them. Kind of like "how far can I go with batting my eyes at them?"
I actually laughed out loud when a customer yelled at me for not cashing his dodgey check and cussed me out.

-Once while looking out into the lobby at the line waiting for the teller line I saw the image of Darwin's theory of mankind. The tallest up front then descending shorter to the end of the line. The last man was hunched over in a wheel chair.

-Did you know it's still possible to smell the not so washed customers while working drive up? You can smell it in the tubes!

-Once while working in the drive up a customer sent up their checkbook, check card, i.d, work i.d, and their cash. They wanted me to do the deposit and then write their deposit with the balance in the check book for them.

-One lady pulled up to the drive up and got out of her car to send up the tube. As she stood in front of the video camera her car began to roll away. Apparently in her hurry to deposit she forgot to park the car.

-One day we had an interesting character hanging out in the foyer. He had his hood over his head and was walking back and forth looking into the banking center. After too long of being their we called the cops check him out. When the cops asked him what he was doing he told them he was bank security. "Making sure the bank was running in top order". When the cops asked what he was REALLY doing there he admitted that he was a Jedi knight protecting the bank.

-As one guy was being handcuffed in the lobby for trying to cash fraudulent checks he told the cops "This just isn't my day".

-I was cashing a check for a lady that was for $5.23. She asked for a $5 bill and a quarter. I asked if she wanted to give me 2 cents in exchange. She looked at me strangely. I explained that I could give her quarter if she gave me 2 cents to make up the difference for the check. "No! Just give me a quarter back!".

-There are some customers that seem to move like a slug stuck in molasses. While they slowly put their belonging back in their wallet or purse with out fail there seems to be that one person that hovers behind them trying to push them out of the window. I don't mind those that take longer with packing up, I just feel bad for them being pushed out by Mr. Antsy Banker.

-I had one guy who saw the long line and waited until the customer in my window was done before swooping down and landing at my window in front of all the customers in line. Suffice it to say I felt like a mom telling her kid not to cut in line and go to the end of the line and wait until his turn.


Hope you didn't mind the length of this story but I wanted to make sure I had some document of my teller days. I'll probably have more someday. I hope to stay with the bank when I move to California.
For now, these Teller Tales will be taken over by Stories of a Starving Starlet commenting on my next adventure in Hollywood.
Cheers.