"Can You Hear Me Now?" "Yes! Shut up!"

Today I had the weirdest response to the question "How would you like your cash back?" It was "Whowherewhywhat?!" She spurted out the words as if I had startled her and that was her yelp. I don't really know what to say except that was just the weirdest thing I had heard in response to a question.

And once again I've been having issues with cell phones. My aggravation flared up while sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. A middle aged lady and her elderly mother slowly made their way to a couple of chairs when the daughter's cell phone began to ring. How is it that so many people tend to find the most annoying ring tone then set it to the loudest setting and just let it ring for a full minute for all in ear shot to enjoy? Once the phone was answered the one sided conversation proceeded to out annoy the ring tone. "Oh I'm just taking ma to the doctors...ya this rain is horrible.....no no we don't have wind here....you have wind there?....huh...nope no wind here......yep....just sitting in the waiting room....I'm gonna see if I can ask the doctor 'bout my ankle....yep yep flaring up again....I know! This rain just won't stop (in my head I'm thinking "why can't YOU stop!") ....ok well I'll call you once we're outta here...buh bye." She hung up and just as I thought I might get a moment to concentrate on my book she flipped open her phone again and started dialing. She still had the phone set at "just how deaf are you!?" and punched one number at a time.. slowly. I could here it ringing and someone pick up on the other side. The conversation need not be repeated. Wasted air and time if you ask me. Nothing needed to be said. We, the forced audience in the waiting room, had no say in the matter of hearing about her personal matters.
This is the thing that gets me. A majority of the cell phone conversations I hear while in line at the check out, in the waiting room, in the book store, at my window all sound so pointless. Have we lost the art of conversation? Must we talk weather? Do you HAVE to pick up your phone while your handing me your deposit slip and call someone to say "oh nothin, just at the bank. What are you doing?"
Maybe this is because I'm not a phone person. I pretty much suck at talking on the phone. I always end up that awkward 13 year old girl who wants to say something important or witty and ends up forgetting what she started talking about because she got ahead of herself. Plus have you noticed how bad reception usually is on cell phones? Whether it's on my end our theirs I miss out on chunks of the conversation and just have to say generic safe things to say like "huh", "thats cool", "well that's how things go". And once I have to revert to that I'm checked out. I'm too embarrassed to ask you to repeat it. So I say I have to go make dinner or that I have to meet someone or my fish jumped out of this bowl and I need to save him....anything to get me out of that uncomfortable feeling.
Cell phones in public is like smoking indoors. Your forced to take it in other peoples crap.

Baby Stepping Stones

Once again I write nothing of bank business.
In a week I will be moving. About 40 miles closer to Hollywood where I take my classes, see shows, do shows, and work in the box office. I look forward to finally being able to take advantage of more opportunities to audition and do some background work.
But as I pack things from my little makeshift room I already feel a sense of emptiness. These "housemates" have become family. Once again I am picking up and moving to pursue my dream and passion, leaving my close connections and dear friends, and feeling self indulgent. I think that until something sparks my heart. Funny how it could be a movie preview, a theatre's marquee, a friend telling me a story about being on set, something that makes my heart jump and say "Yes, that is what makes me alive! Follow that!" And suddenly my fear and loneliness slips away.
I knew in December as I flew home that when I came back a new chapter would start. This first month of the new year has been an interesting preface for the year to come.

A Quest

The past 72 hours have some how rekindled a fire under my ass.
I had my first improv show Sunday night and I think it went rather well....for a first night. I crave, hunger, thirst, and long to become better at my craft. To raise the bar of quality and intelligence.
While talking with my friend Josh the other night I was verbally processing my dream for my life. I found myself spewing out ideas of traveling the world and researching comedy. Discovering how culture, society, economical class, geography, education, family heritage, surroundings, and other outside influences mold our sense of humor.
And if we are all human, what is the universal human comedy? I know it must be out there. What is funny verbally and what is funny physically? What crosses language barriers and brings us together through some cosmic juice of laughter?
Josh said it sounded like a great documentary idea. I think so too.
But what would I need to do before hand? Who to talk to? Who to get support from (there aint no way I'm traveling the world on my teller's salary!). There is so much I want to dig deeper into. What are the psychological effects? the mental and physical effects?
How can I prove that laughter does heal?

I went to a comedy club tonight and the acts were....not my style. I don't really care about being offended but I don't have much respect for people who go out of their way to offend or shock. One of the guys had good delivery, but his material was too cheap. By that I mean making jokes about retarded people, battered women, porn, and too many other jr high humor. Too easy if you ask me. Comedy is hard work. There's the timing, the sensitivity to your audience, the delivery, the vocabulary, the physicality. I know we all have different senses of humor. I'm learning that I can have admiration for a person's ability for comedy even if I hate their material. I can still learn. Either what to do or not to do.

With each day I find just how closely interwoven is my passion for comedy and helping people through laughter is to my purpose in life. It's as if someone has turned on a switch in me and I light up and talk, discuss, research, soak in for hours. I have so much to learn!

I've found myself around the people I was hoping to be around when I moved down here. But the reality of going from a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a freaking huge ocean makes me wonder if I'll ever get bigger.
My confidence has almost left me. I think I know what I'm talking about and then someone pipes in with even more knowledge or a correction. They have so much more talent, so much more knowledge. So much more seems to come naturally to them. And I'm jealous. But a good jealous. A determined jealous. "Fine!" I say "I'll go study more! Take more risks! I will grow and get better! So there!"

It isn't easy being this little fish. But I'm happy to be in the ocean.

Merry Freaking Christmas

This has been the craziest Christmas vacation so far. I barely made it home due to the snow storms hitting my beloved PNW. All flights after mine were cancelled. Phew!
So of course with the snow I had to go out and play. My friends and I decided to go out for an evening of sledding. Seeing as the regular hills were taken by a bunch of kids we went in search for a better, less traveled, hill. I have now found out why the hill we chose was much less traveled. All was fun until I decided to take a steeper route and was met at the bottom by a bunch of rocks. One particular rock jutted out to a sharp point and somehow I managed to aim just for that one. I was flying down the hill, laughing all the way, until my body came to a sudden stop. The greatest amount of pain shot through my body. All I remember is "weeeee funnnn! what the....holy shi....gah!" then I just rolled over and couldn't breath. It's true what they say; you really can see stars. After staying still a few more moments I managed to get up and get back to the top of the hill. I called it quits on the sledding and headed home. Chrissy laughed at me the whole walk home. Apparently I was walking with my hips way out in front of me and my feet shuffling like a duck behind me. I told her my body was trying to get away from the pain.
I made it home, threw my wet clothes in the tub, climbed up the stairs like it was Mt. Everest, and passed out on my bed. I awoke to the craziest pain the next morning. I managed to get down stairs and into the bathroom to wash my face. But as I stood by the sink my vision went blurry and black and white. Noises sounded as if I were under water. I broke into a cold sweat, and gripped the sink for dear life and thought: "I am going to die!" When I finally was able to stay steady I looked for the Excedrin my mom had handed me moments earlier. Not on the sink anymore, now on the floor. I briefly thought about picking them up...then thought "that floor is really far away". I shuffled to the living room couch and tried to lay down. Not an easy task! By this point I knew I had to have actually done something serious. I had my mom call the urgent care center to see if I could go in for x-rays and perhaps get some intense pain killers.
Getting to the urgent care center was pretty ridiculous. With the help of my mom I got off the couch, changed out of my pajamas, and got to the car. I slid onto the back seat on my stomach with my feet in the air and clung to the seat as we traveled across the bumpy slippery snow covered streets. The snow began melting off my shoes and sliding down my leg....freaking cold!
As I hobbled into the urgent care center I ran into one of my friends. We wished each other a merry Christmas and she limped off on crutches and I shuffled in trying not to pass out. Ah small towns. I even run into people I know at the urgent care center.
Here's a question. Why do they have mirrors in the little stall where you put your cute little gown on for the x-rays? Did I need to be reminded how awful I looked? My hair, freshly "styled" from getting out bed, my face pale and washed out with circles under my eyes, and a nice full view of the breezy back end of my gown.
For the x-rays I had to lay on my back. Not fun! But while I lay on my side for the side pictures I noticed the electrical sockets on the wall. I never noticed that they look like the Pillsbury Dough boy in shock. Next time you look at a socket tell me if you don't see how much it looks like a face in shock.Anyways, I headed home after hearing I had chipped my tail bone and was given vicoden.
Yesterday was spent on the couch watching t.v and movies. Making as few moves as possible. It was a sorry sight. I had to ask for help getting the t.v remote because it was just beyond my reach and any extra movement shot pain through my body. At one point I had to ask my mom if Richie could come over and since yelling even hurt I called her cell phone on my cell phone just so I could talk to her from the other room. Each time I had to get up or off the couch I told myself "It's like a band aid" and would put all my force into quickly getting up, let the pain sere through me, breathe a moment, then move.
This snow has made it near impossible for my friends to meet up. Either they are stranded in airports across the country, snowed in at their house, or injured due to the ice.
Dear God, please help me to get better so I don't have to use one of those stupid donut pillows while I fly home.....
Like, so totally not cute!

Being the Beginner

I was reading some Rilke this evening and was struck by a paragraph he wrote in one of his letters. It's as follows:

You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, with out noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Resolve to always be beginning - to be a beginner!


How often I try to get to the end. To be or find the finished product. To hurry friendships, relationships, education, learning new skills and crafts. "Live in the questions". What a beautiful thought. And to take claim of being a beginner you can spare yourself the self-deprecation of not being good enough. Perhaps it will free you to take more risks. And what is wrong with making a mistake? Something good can be found in it for sure.
Perhaps I'm only typing this for myself. I find I haven't taken enough risks lately. How safe I feel in this new world.
I could be missing out on the next great adventure! Or at least a funny tale to tell a friend later on.

Weird Moments in Society

So I stopped at Starbucks on my way home today and as I was asking for my drink another lady came up in line....but right behind me. I don't mean the normal stranger distance known by most people, I mean closer than I let most of my friends get near me. I thought maybe I was supposed to know her or something so I turned and looked at her. Nothing. She didn't even get my subliminal message of "Hey! You are too freaking close to me!". So I ordered my drink and moved to the side. I was busy reading something on the wall and as I backed up I stepped on someone's foot. I turned around to apologize (despite the big bite of donut in my mouth) and it was The Hover-er again! What the heck. Once again she did not get the message of "your in my bubble!" so we stood there, awkwardly close, while we waited for our coffee. Finally getting my coffee I headed out the door, stopping to get a straw and as half of my coffee spilled out the top due to over filling the cup, the lady was right next to me. "You should take the lid off and put the straw in that way."
"Thanks" I said. Usually I'm more talkative to strangers...but this was a strange stranger.

The other day I was in Borders and as I was walking towards the literature aisle (ya, that's right, I like to read big books) some guy stopped me and asked "Do you like Sushi?" "Uh...no" I said. "Damnit! Does anyone like sushi?! I need a sushi date!"
I quickly walked away, word to the wise, if you want to pick up a girl in the book shop, don't ask while your standing in the erotica section. Just plain awkward.

While at work I chose to wear my contacts for a first time in a few months. An older man came up to my window and said "Damn you are one sexy teller! You were hiding behind those glasses all this time. It's a good thing I'm too old for you and there's this big counter between us." I quickly took care of his transaction and called the next in line. Suffice it to say, I wore my glasses the next day.

How to avoid drama....

Living in community has it's ups and downs. Ups being cheap rent, someone a shout away to hang out with (usually), food in the fridge, and some simple surprising pleasures here and there. However, this is not to express my love and joy from community, but point out a funny quirk I have experienced in all of my community living situations.
I am reminded of a common belief that men and women can not be friends with out at least a hint of a crush involved. I have a hard time with this. Perhaps it's just me and my nature to be drawn to friendships with guys. Sometimes I really prefer their conversations and stories. My own band of brothers I like to think of them. No crush has to be involved for me to want to spend time with them.
Living in a house of girls and having a house of guys directly across the street has had me laughing at the tagging of "yours, mine, and free game." Even if they don't mean to. If one girl or guy has dated one of the other "community members" then drama is to ensue if another "pairing" even has the appearance of beginning. This constant surveillance of each other's relationships and friendships has made me paranoid. I worry that if I hang out with a guy too long then the "wrong impression" can be made either by him or the others. Why is it so difficult to believe that there can be just plain friendships? And if a crush were to happen, at least on my side, I want that to be my own business so I can let it blow over and not ruin the beginnings of a friendship. If a relationship happens, fine, but I want it to surprise me or just happen naturally, I don't want to "look" for it or "make it happen".
So, I've stuck to going on dates with people I've met outside of the houses or just having a date with myself.
A good glass of wine, a classic movie, some pasta, and I'm content.
There's no gossip when you just date yourself....