Plain and simple. I'm an idiot.
I have amazing friends. Friends in Ireland, in Washington, in Toronto, in Oregon, in New York, in Florida, in Michigan, and especially here in California. I don't often get in the "depths of despair" but when I do I loose sight of all the good and wonderful things in my life. I am a very lucky person (despite my car fiascoes).
Thank you so much my friends that are so supportive. Thank you friends that help me get around with all these car troubles. Thank you friends that go on adventures with me. Thank you friends that I love doing shows with. Thank you friends that help me get work. Thank you friends that are there to smack me upside the head when I get mopey- and show me how lucky and loved I am.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
There are gems in this town and I feel lucky enough to have found them.
There...some good sap after some crap sap from last post.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
This is Hollywood Baby,
This weekend I was given a rough lesson in the reality of social gatherings among Hollywood actors. I tried to get people together to hang out for my birthday. It was at least two weeks ago that I had sent out my invitations. People responded quite positively and excited about the shin-dig. As it got closer to my birthday the excuses came in. "Sorry I have a show that night, I'll come to the party after.", "I have to work.", "Something came up." See that's why I sent you that invite at least 2 weeks in advance. So you could clear your schedule. Saturday was the day of my "shin-dig". I hadn't heard from hardly anyone. I looked at my list of people who said they were coming and marked each one off as I remembered them telling me they could no longer make it. I was left with one person. One person kept her schedule free because she had said she was going to come. She is a rockstar in my book now. I decided to scrap the drive in movie idea and the two of us would just go see a movie somewhere close by, then continue on with the party plans afterwards. As I went to pick her up my car broke down. I had to get it towed and then go out to the Burbank airport to pick up a rental. Enter two more rockstar friends: they were able to pick us up and drive me to pick up the rental. So, after the car fiasco we get back to my apartment and I start sending out the texts to let people know they can come on over. One after another I get the responses. More excuses. More things coming up. More messages making me feel like a pretty lame person.
Thankfully my closest friends began to show up and the fun took off. As I sat looking around my living room with tears in my eyes from so much laughter I knew that I was lucky to have this core group of people. I do have good friends.
I know it's not about the number of people of friends, but it's who. And some people really did have a good reason to not be there. But nothing deflates your excitement for a party (especially a birthday party you are throwing for yourself) like a crap load of messages from people saying they have something else they would rather do.
I have now officially given up on planning any party or event. I'm done. Everyone is so busy here it is nearly impossible to get people together. And hardly anyone really responds to you. I don't care if it's a "yes" or a "no", just let me know. It's like people being late. I hate to be late and I hate it when people are late. It says you have a lack of respect for that person's time.
This is a lonely town. We are all so focused on our own career building that we loose sight of the people next to us. In a town where our ego is beaten daily, we need to be reaching out and supporting each other. But this is not that kind of town.
It's reminder that I don't want to settle down here. Like dating that popular guy with all the money- it's fun for awhile just to "see what it's like", but you know he's not for you. This town has a lot to offer career wise but I feel that's too empty and cold for me. I want to connect with people on a real level.
But this is Hollywood baby, it's only screen deep.
Thankfully my closest friends began to show up and the fun took off. As I sat looking around my living room with tears in my eyes from so much laughter I knew that I was lucky to have this core group of people. I do have good friends.
I know it's not about the number of people of friends, but it's who. And some people really did have a good reason to not be there. But nothing deflates your excitement for a party (especially a birthday party you are throwing for yourself) like a crap load of messages from people saying they have something else they would rather do.
I have now officially given up on planning any party or event. I'm done. Everyone is so busy here it is nearly impossible to get people together. And hardly anyone really responds to you. I don't care if it's a "yes" or a "no", just let me know. It's like people being late. I hate to be late and I hate it when people are late. It says you have a lack of respect for that person's time.
This is a lonely town. We are all so focused on our own career building that we loose sight of the people next to us. In a town where our ego is beaten daily, we need to be reaching out and supporting each other. But this is not that kind of town.
It's reminder that I don't want to settle down here. Like dating that popular guy with all the money- it's fun for awhile just to "see what it's like", but you know he's not for you. This town has a lot to offer career wise but I feel that's too empty and cold for me. I want to connect with people on a real level.
But this is Hollywood baby, it's only screen deep.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
A Few Things
I wonder how many people start out their blog posts "sorry I haven't updated sooner but..."
That's what I was thinking...then figured I appologize enough on a daily basis. So I won't do it now or here.
The other day there was a lady that was dancing while she waited in line. Actually I wouldn't call it "dancing". More like twirling in place while she kept count. She was completely serious too. The other customers in line didn't know what to do. Everyone looked at eachother like "do you see this?!" Meanwhile my co-workers and I were trying not to bust up laughing....until she left. I know your trying to probably get ready for some audition, but it's weird and disturbing to other members when you waltz in the door singing.
I can relate to most of the people who come up to my window, but then you get some that are just on another planet. One lady, as she was looking for her deposit in her purse, got excited about finding her deoderant and started putting it on. While she had her arm lifted and was deoderizing herself she asked me if I thought they should get rid of pennies. I just told her maybe if they changed the way they priced things. Earlier that day a middle aged man came up to my window and the first thing he said was "wow! That's a really big zit on your forhead!". I was well aware I had a zit (which really wasn't that big) on my forehead seeing as I had just looked at it in the mirror while on my lunch break. I didn't know what to say so I just looked at him and asked him if he was making a deposit. By the end of the transaction he realized what he had said and appologized.
I think it's time I make a few confessions. I find it very theraputic. So here I go:
Yes, I will take longer with some customers so I can avoid certain people next in line. Yes, I will hurry a customer at my window so I can help the cute guys next in line. I will simply nod my head and smile even though I really could care less about your opinions on politics. When I tell you to go away 'cause you creep me out - no, I'm not flirting. I am not your therapist as much as I like helping people. I hate it when people come in the last minute we're open. Even if you think your giving me a compliment I don't take it as one when you tell me I look 12. No, you are not the first to think my parents couldn't make up their mind between Julie and Lisa for my name. Sometimes I hold my breath while helping people who smell bad. Do you think no one notices that your driver's license picture was taken at least 25 years ago and you don't look like that anymore? You threatening to close your account only makes me want to close it more. If your going to be such a big baby and pain in the ass, I don't want to have to help you ever again. I will try to look busy if I see your next in line and your on your phone. I wish we had a dead phone zone in this bank.
Just a few little things and thoughts for the day.
That's what I was thinking...then figured I appologize enough on a daily basis. So I won't do it now or here.
The other day there was a lady that was dancing while she waited in line. Actually I wouldn't call it "dancing". More like twirling in place while she kept count. She was completely serious too. The other customers in line didn't know what to do. Everyone looked at eachother like "do you see this?!" Meanwhile my co-workers and I were trying not to bust up laughing....until she left. I know your trying to probably get ready for some audition, but it's weird and disturbing to other members when you waltz in the door singing.
I can relate to most of the people who come up to my window, but then you get some that are just on another planet. One lady, as she was looking for her deposit in her purse, got excited about finding her deoderant and started putting it on. While she had her arm lifted and was deoderizing herself she asked me if I thought they should get rid of pennies. I just told her maybe if they changed the way they priced things. Earlier that day a middle aged man came up to my window and the first thing he said was "wow! That's a really big zit on your forhead!". I was well aware I had a zit (which really wasn't that big) on my forehead seeing as I had just looked at it in the mirror while on my lunch break. I didn't know what to say so I just looked at him and asked him if he was making a deposit. By the end of the transaction he realized what he had said and appologized.
I think it's time I make a few confessions. I find it very theraputic. So here I go:
Yes, I will take longer with some customers so I can avoid certain people next in line. Yes, I will hurry a customer at my window so I can help the cute guys next in line. I will simply nod my head and smile even though I really could care less about your opinions on politics. When I tell you to go away 'cause you creep me out - no, I'm not flirting. I am not your therapist as much as I like helping people. I hate it when people come in the last minute we're open. Even if you think your giving me a compliment I don't take it as one when you tell me I look 12. No, you are not the first to think my parents couldn't make up their mind between Julie and Lisa for my name. Sometimes I hold my breath while helping people who smell bad. Do you think no one notices that your driver's license picture was taken at least 25 years ago and you don't look like that anymore? You threatening to close your account only makes me want to close it more. If your going to be such a big baby and pain in the ass, I don't want to have to help you ever again. I will try to look busy if I see your next in line and your on your phone. I wish we had a dead phone zone in this bank.
Just a few little things and thoughts for the day.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My Own Series of Unfortunate Events
On average I do not consider myself a complete ditz, klutz, airhead, unlucky, or as if the universe was out to get me.
However, I am beginning to wonder. This turn of events began about week and a half ago when I headed out to my car in full joy of a nice sunny day, singing "Oh what a beautiful morning". I got in my car, key in ignition....aaaand nothing. My car didn't even feign an attempt at starting. Thank God I had just joined AAA. I had to call my boss to tell her I was going to be late and I waited for my rescue. The AAA guy came, looked at my battery, and suggested I just buy a new one- this sucker was dead. So, bought a new battery (not so cheap it turns out), and headed off to work. Later that weekend as I drove up to Camarillo to visit some friends my car overheated and I was nearly stranded out in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully the "nowhere" was close enough for my friend's mom and brother to come rescue me and my car. I don't think I will ever fully escape the feeling of being a kid. A few days later I decided to take a step outside of my apartment for some fresh air. As I closed the screen door my hand (by pure habit) decides to lock the door. There was a moment of looking at the door and feeling the urge to panic. But logic came into play and I realize panicking is not going to aid this situation at all. With only shorts, tank top, and n shoes, I'm thankful it's a warm night. I sit on my little cement porch and start praying that this will be the night my roommate comes home early. I even think "I could sleep out here, it's not cold. I'm sure she'll be home at some point." Cue cockroach scurrying across the step. "Nope, I think it's time to finally meet my neighbors." So after finally mustering up the courage knock on my neighbor's door I ask for some advice on how to get myself back into my apartment. We go through a few options like calling my landlord (I say "no" since it's 11pm at this point), just trying to break in ourselves (I say "no" since I have to no money to pay for buying a new door), and looking up my roommates number by looking up my cell phone bill online ( I say "yes" to this one). Unfortunately AT&T's site is down. Thanks to Facebook, I find a friend's number that would have my roommate's number (did I mention I am sans phone?). I finally get ahold of my roommate at 11pm, she is at a restaurant and says she'll be home soon. 12:30 am rolls around, no roommate. I'm getting antsy while I'm watching Jackass on my neighbor's couch feeling like a jackass myself. Due to her own fiasco, my roommate does not show up until 2am. Finally I get back in, 4 hours later and my neighbor asked if he could have a cup of sugar, I gladly offered it up.
So, finally, we're at last Saturday. I've relayed these fun fiasco adventures to a friend and he says "well, there's that rule of 3s. You should be good for now". Little did I know how wrong he was. I headed up to Camarillo once again for a bit of the Labor Day weekend and on my way I stop at a gas station (the same one I had to stop at with my over heated car) to get something to drink. Come to find out, my card doesn't want to work. My card is declined for a slushy. After calling customer service I get no answer since they are closed and I find myself facing the 3 day weekend with $1 in my wallet and half a tank of gas to get me back home and wherever else I need to get before Tuesday. Awesome.
The topper. #5 to my broken rule of 3. I get to my friends house, hang out, have a good time, get back to my car....aaaaand my keys are locked in my car. I have NEVER done this. NEVER. Thank you AAA for being awesome and coming to my rescue once again.
I would like to mention the fact that my "adopted" California parents of my friend totally surprised me by sneaking a little bit of emergency cash in my wallet that weekend. Yay for yet again feeling like a helpless kid.
I'm hoping this concludes my run of fiasco for quite awhile.
Here's to a quiet week.
However, I am beginning to wonder. This turn of events began about week and a half ago when I headed out to my car in full joy of a nice sunny day, singing "Oh what a beautiful morning". I got in my car, key in ignition....aaaand nothing. My car didn't even feign an attempt at starting. Thank God I had just joined AAA. I had to call my boss to tell her I was going to be late and I waited for my rescue. The AAA guy came, looked at my battery, and suggested I just buy a new one- this sucker was dead. So, bought a new battery (not so cheap it turns out), and headed off to work. Later that weekend as I drove up to Camarillo to visit some friends my car overheated and I was nearly stranded out in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully the "nowhere" was close enough for my friend's mom and brother to come rescue me and my car. I don't think I will ever fully escape the feeling of being a kid. A few days later I decided to take a step outside of my apartment for some fresh air. As I closed the screen door my hand (by pure habit) decides to lock the door. There was a moment of looking at the door and feeling the urge to panic. But logic came into play and I realize panicking is not going to aid this situation at all. With only shorts, tank top, and n shoes, I'm thankful it's a warm night. I sit on my little cement porch and start praying that this will be the night my roommate comes home early. I even think "I could sleep out here, it's not cold. I'm sure she'll be home at some point." Cue cockroach scurrying across the step. "Nope, I think it's time to finally meet my neighbors." So after finally mustering up the courage knock on my neighbor's door I ask for some advice on how to get myself back into my apartment. We go through a few options like calling my landlord (I say "no" since it's 11pm at this point), just trying to break in ourselves (I say "no" since I have to no money to pay for buying a new door), and looking up my roommates number by looking up my cell phone bill online ( I say "yes" to this one). Unfortunately AT&T's site is down. Thanks to Facebook, I find a friend's number that would have my roommate's number (did I mention I am sans phone?). I finally get ahold of my roommate at 11pm, she is at a restaurant and says she'll be home soon. 12:30 am rolls around, no roommate. I'm getting antsy while I'm watching Jackass on my neighbor's couch feeling like a jackass myself. Due to her own fiasco, my roommate does not show up until 2am. Finally I get back in, 4 hours later and my neighbor asked if he could have a cup of sugar, I gladly offered it up.
So, finally, we're at last Saturday. I've relayed these fun fiasco adventures to a friend and he says "well, there's that rule of 3s. You should be good for now". Little did I know how wrong he was. I headed up to Camarillo once again for a bit of the Labor Day weekend and on my way I stop at a gas station (the same one I had to stop at with my over heated car) to get something to drink. Come to find out, my card doesn't want to work. My card is declined for a slushy. After calling customer service I get no answer since they are closed and I find myself facing the 3 day weekend with $1 in my wallet and half a tank of gas to get me back home and wherever else I need to get before Tuesday. Awesome.
The topper. #5 to my broken rule of 3. I get to my friends house, hang out, have a good time, get back to my car....aaaaand my keys are locked in my car. I have NEVER done this. NEVER. Thank you AAA for being awesome and coming to my rescue once again.
I would like to mention the fact that my "adopted" California parents of my friend totally surprised me by sneaking a little bit of emergency cash in my wallet that weekend. Yay for yet again feeling like a helpless kid.
I'm hoping this concludes my run of fiasco for quite awhile.
Here's to a quiet week.
Now What?
It's official, I'm an iO West (formally improv Olympic) alum. It took me roughly a year filled with 4 address changes, 3 jobs, one class session hiatus, and a ridiculous amount of fighting off my own expectation to be perfect right off the bat. Amazing how we can not accept the fact that there is nothing wrong being a beginner. I've been reading Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet and find it just the thing I need to hear. I highly recommend this quaint little book. An easy read and just nice dose of "hey dude, chill out and enjoy the process of growing. Quit beating yourself up and asking other people for answers. You got it in you kid." Ya, a dose of that.
So now what? This huge looming cloud (not a bad one or like the stormy rain clouds that I miss so much from the Pacific Northwest), has lifted and moved on. No longer am I spending 6 nights a week at the theatre, rushing from work to theatre to bed to work to theatre to bed...
Two weeks I've had this freedom and have enjoyed evenings in, hanging out with friends outside of the bar/theatre, and just spending time letting the dust settle. Give me another week and I'll be aching to start up projects again. Already in the works is the third episode of Dear Hollywood, my silent movie improv group, and a two person show with my good friend Katie Conway. Oh, did I mention I start up Kickball again next Monday. I consider this taking it easy.
Meanwhile...I'm actually enjoying my days working at the credit union.
Sorry, no crazy stories yet. Trust me, they are on there way. Once again I have a stack of notes for future entries (I just wanted to get you caught up). Crazies still come in, that's why I keep coming back. Right? ya....right.
So now what? This huge looming cloud (not a bad one or like the stormy rain clouds that I miss so much from the Pacific Northwest), has lifted and moved on. No longer am I spending 6 nights a week at the theatre, rushing from work to theatre to bed to work to theatre to bed...
Two weeks I've had this freedom and have enjoyed evenings in, hanging out with friends outside of the bar/theatre, and just spending time letting the dust settle. Give me another week and I'll be aching to start up projects again. Already in the works is the third episode of Dear Hollywood, my silent movie improv group, and a two person show with my good friend Katie Conway. Oh, did I mention I start up Kickball again next Monday. I consider this taking it easy.
Meanwhile...I'm actually enjoying my days working at the credit union.
Sorry, no crazy stories yet. Trust me, they are on there way. Once again I have a stack of notes for future entries (I just wanted to get you caught up). Crazies still come in, that's why I keep coming back. Right? ya....right.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen
When you feel at a loss for direction usually you ask someone for a little help. But the more people you ask the the more you find yourself going in circles.
And when it comes to asking advice about guys...forget it. I'm done with that. I wish I could show you a montage of what I've been hearing. It's just too comical to take too seriously my confusion. "Play hard to get", "Tease him", "Be aggressive", "Wait for him to come to you", "I can tell he likes you", "I don't think he's that in to you", it's ridiculous and it only proves that we don't really know anything about the opposite sex. I think if you just stay true to yourself you'll come across someone else just being themselves....and maybe something will happen.
I'm at the point of saying just "Forget it". I wish I no one would have gotten involved. It's truly embarrassing. I feel like a middle schooler. Do we ever grow out of this social awkwardness?
I know there's no point in trying to fight against the natural pull to find someone to share my life with...but there is line where you're just trying to hard. Then things get weird.
I'm tired of weird. I'm tired of awkward. And I'm tired of caring too much.
Done.
And when it comes to asking advice about guys...forget it. I'm done with that. I wish I could show you a montage of what I've been hearing. It's just too comical to take too seriously my confusion. "Play hard to get", "Tease him", "Be aggressive", "Wait for him to come to you", "I can tell he likes you", "I don't think he's that in to you", it's ridiculous and it only proves that we don't really know anything about the opposite sex. I think if you just stay true to yourself you'll come across someone else just being themselves....and maybe something will happen.
I'm at the point of saying just "Forget it". I wish I no one would have gotten involved. It's truly embarrassing. I feel like a middle schooler. Do we ever grow out of this social awkwardness?
I know there's no point in trying to fight against the natural pull to find someone to share my life with...but there is line where you're just trying to hard. Then things get weird.
I'm tired of weird. I'm tired of awkward. And I'm tired of caring too much.
Done.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
To My L.A Friends:
Have you ever been so happy that you find yourself embarrassed by it?
That's where I've found myself these days. But I have a good excuse.
Less than 2 months ago I was packing my bags to move back home to Washington. Leaving all I had worked for behind so I could move back into my parents house. Not even in my old room- my sister had taken that over. I would have got the basement.
I'm not usually a dark and depressed person. Even when I'm depressed only my close friends can tell. So to go from the "depths of despair" to discovering I have a second chance at living in L.A and pursuing improv at the iO (the very reason I moved down here) my heart filled with joy.
Coming so close to loosing all the friends I had made since being out here has made me appreciate L.A so much more.
Never in my life did I think I would live in L.A, but here I am. And I love it.
I'm realizing it's not the backdrop to our lives that gives it meaning, but who we are living our lives with.
Now when I see my friends I want to give them the biggest hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I almost lost you!" And with each evening spent hanging out I think "I would have missed getting to know you more and enjoying this moment." And with each new friend I make I feel like for once in my life I might be settling down (I haven't stayed in one place longer than a year since graduating high school).
How funny to call the last place on earth you thought you would like home.
My dear friends, I'm so happy my time has not been cut short with you. That we have so many adventures ahead of us. More little jokes to share, more heart to share, and so many things that I can't even guess at. It may seem silly, but I'm so happy I want to somehow share it with you. I wish I could literally give this joy to you.
I'm happy because you make this a home for me.
That's where I've found myself these days. But I have a good excuse.
Less than 2 months ago I was packing my bags to move back home to Washington. Leaving all I had worked for behind so I could move back into my parents house. Not even in my old room- my sister had taken that over. I would have got the basement.
I'm not usually a dark and depressed person. Even when I'm depressed only my close friends can tell. So to go from the "depths of despair" to discovering I have a second chance at living in L.A and pursuing improv at the iO (the very reason I moved down here) my heart filled with joy.
Coming so close to loosing all the friends I had made since being out here has made me appreciate L.A so much more.
Never in my life did I think I would live in L.A, but here I am. And I love it.
I'm realizing it's not the backdrop to our lives that gives it meaning, but who we are living our lives with.
Now when I see my friends I want to give them the biggest hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I almost lost you!" And with each evening spent hanging out I think "I would have missed getting to know you more and enjoying this moment." And with each new friend I make I feel like for once in my life I might be settling down (I haven't stayed in one place longer than a year since graduating high school).
How funny to call the last place on earth you thought you would like home.
My dear friends, I'm so happy my time has not been cut short with you. That we have so many adventures ahead of us. More little jokes to share, more heart to share, and so many things that I can't even guess at. It may seem silly, but I'm so happy I want to somehow share it with you. I wish I could literally give this joy to you.
I'm happy because you make this a home for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)