Now What?

It's official, I'm an iO West (formally improv Olympic) alum. It took me roughly a year filled with 4 address changes, 3 jobs, one class session hiatus, and a ridiculous amount of fighting off my own expectation to be perfect right off the bat. Amazing how we can not accept the fact that there is nothing wrong being a beginner. I've been reading Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet and find it just the thing I need to hear. I highly recommend this quaint little book. An easy read and just nice dose of "hey dude, chill out and enjoy the process of growing. Quit beating yourself up and asking other people for answers. You got it in you kid." Ya, a dose of that.
So now what? This huge looming cloud (not a bad one or like the stormy rain clouds that I miss so much from the Pacific Northwest), has lifted and moved on. No longer am I spending 6 nights a week at the theatre, rushing from work to theatre to bed to work to theatre to bed...
Two weeks I've had this freedom and have enjoyed evenings in, hanging out with friends outside of the bar/theatre, and just spending time letting the dust settle. Give me another week and I'll be aching to start up projects again. Already in the works is the third episode of Dear Hollywood, my silent movie improv group, and a two person show with my good friend Katie Conway. Oh, did I mention I start up Kickball again next Monday. I consider this taking it easy.
Meanwhile...I'm actually enjoying my days working at the credit union.
Sorry, no crazy stories yet. Trust me, they are on there way. Once again I have a stack of notes for future entries (I just wanted to get you caught up). Crazies still come in, that's why I keep coming back. Right? ya....right.

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

When you feel at a loss for direction usually you ask someone for a little help. But the more people you ask the the more you find yourself going in circles.
And when it comes to asking advice about guys...forget it. I'm done with that. I wish I could show you a montage of what I've been hearing. It's just too comical to take too seriously my confusion. "Play hard to get", "Tease him", "Be aggressive", "Wait for him to come to you", "I can tell he likes you", "I don't think he's that in to you", it's ridiculous and it only proves that we don't really know anything about the opposite sex. I think if you just stay true to yourself you'll come across someone else just being themselves....and maybe something will happen.
I'm at the point of saying just "Forget it". I wish I no one would have gotten involved. It's truly embarrassing. I feel like a middle schooler. Do we ever grow out of this social awkwardness?
I know there's no point in trying to fight against the natural pull to find someone to share my life with...but there is line where you're just trying to hard. Then things get weird.
I'm tired of weird. I'm tired of awkward. And I'm tired of caring too much.
Done.

To My L.A Friends:

Have you ever been so happy that you find yourself embarrassed by it?
That's where I've found myself these days. But I have a good excuse.
Less than 2 months ago I was packing my bags to move back home to Washington. Leaving all I had worked for behind so I could move back into my parents house. Not even in my old room- my sister had taken that over. I would have got the basement.
I'm not usually a dark and depressed person. Even when I'm depressed only my close friends can tell. So to go from the "depths of despair" to discovering I have a second chance at living in L.A and pursuing improv at the iO (the very reason I moved down here) my heart filled with joy.
Coming so close to loosing all the friends I had made since being out here has made me appreciate L.A so much more.
Never in my life did I think I would live in L.A, but here I am. And I love it.
I'm realizing it's not the backdrop to our lives that gives it meaning, but who we are living our lives with.
Now when I see my friends I want to give them the biggest hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I almost lost you!" And with each evening spent hanging out I think "I would have missed getting to know you more and enjoying this moment." And with each new friend I make I feel like for once in my life I might be settling down (I haven't stayed in one place longer than a year since graduating high school).
How funny to call the last place on earth you thought you would like home.
My dear friends, I'm so happy my time has not been cut short with you. That we have so many adventures ahead of us. More little jokes to share, more heart to share, and so many things that I can't even guess at. It may seem silly, but I'm so happy I want to somehow share it with you. I wish I could literally give this joy to you.
I'm happy because you make this a home for me.

Dear Hollywood: Episode 2

Here's is the second installment of my Dear Hollywood series.



Through a strange turn of events, I may not have to move home as soon as I thought. I had an interview with bank today. This time a credit union. I really hope it all works out. Life...so funny.

Just Wondering...

I've begun a new project. A sort of web series discovering Hollywood from a hopeful innocent point of view.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OHQOvZOKBs

I was on set last night for a movie. My first time on the Warner Bros. lot, and it finally felt like the old school movie making experience I was hoping for. We were using the "New York" set, but instead of it making me ache for my own staring role in a big time movie, I suddenly found myself aching to see New York.
I knew moving down to L.A that it wasn't going to be a place I wanted to settle down forever. Although, as the months passed I grew to like southern California much more than I ever thought. Still, in my heart, I knew I would never be an L.A girl, or even a Cali girl.
It could be due to work being so slow, to exhaustion from trying desperately to find ways to pay my rent and other bills, to feeling so vulnerable and burnt out, that I find myself looking for the next step.
I've been considering moving back home to regroup my thoughts and pay back my parents for their ever-so-loving financial support.
I feel I have lost sight of what I want to do with my life (granted I kow there are new chapters and directions and things continue to change), but do I really want to be in movies? What about my desire to use comedy as therapy and counseling? What about more stage acting? What about going back to school? What about...? What about?...so much.
I will always be "studying" comedy and acting. But maybe it's time for a scene change. I miss clusters of tall buildings and brooding grey skies.
It's wierd, but I feel like something is pushing me to move out. At least for awhile. Maybe it's my history of not staying anywhere longer than 2 years (and feeling antsy after 1) since I graduated.
I don't know quite how to decipher through these feelings and thoughts.
We shall see.

Boldly Going Back To My Childhood

So I watched the new Star Trek movie last night and it was so weird how certain sound effects and lines totally took me back to watching Star Trek with my parents and sis when I was younger. The rest of my family was totally into it but I just camped on the outskirts of interest most of the time. Still, I'm sure I watched almost every episode of TNG because thats what we'd watch after dinner as a family.
It's very rare that I get into "action" type movies or those "saga" films with sequels, prequels, and so ons. Star Wars does absolutely nothing for me, Lord of the Rings was fun to watch once while at the movie theatre, Harry Potter was good for the movie theatre as well. And Star Trek I can't say I know too many details about the movies - although I vividly remember the one with the whales (but that's because I was totally in my marine mammal biology phase - before I got grossed out by fish). I started liking the t.v series a little more when the character "Wesley" arrived...'cause he was cute and I was just learning about crushes.
I know the difference between Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. All seemed to be in the back ground at home. I remember my favorite character in TNG was "Q". Oh that Q, always throwing monkey wrenches in and then being witty! The show had humor and some pretty good acting and fun story lines. All this seemed to be deeply burried until last night. I didn't realize how the show was really just having fun.
So, to go along with true form and showing how history repeats itself: I'm again intrigued by Star Trek.
Oh... did I mention I have a crush on Zachary Quinto? Move over Wesley, helloooo Spock.

Tinsel Tainted Dreams

No wonder people don't take flying leaps for their dreams. It's hard, discouraging, illogical, and scary as shit.
A couple weeks ago I finally followed through on quitting the bank. I had to fly home to visit my dying grandmother and spend some quality time with her and my family (which I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity). When I flew back I found my financial safety net had more holes than I thought. Within the 2 weeks back I've had 3 jobs working on set as an extra. An ideal job for someone who doesn't mind getting paid to sit around and read hours on end while waiting to be called to go stand somewhere. Finally I can make progress on my ever growing book list! Unfortunately the checks take awhile to arrive and this week I have been trying to not panic as I carefully watch my bank account and the mail box to see which will come first: the deposit (paycheck), or the withdrawal (bills). I just barely scraped by. Yesterday, I couldn't even buy Top Ramen. Today, I can. But still no bookings for this week. Living from one day to the next I have no knowledge of what's to come. To feel so financially insecure (by my own choosing) makes me realize all those warnings to young artists is true: You have to really want this. There will be times when you wonder what you're doing with you life, why you're throwing away a stable way of life, why can't you just pack up and go back to your hometown? Make a living doing something that may resemble a mere shadow of what your heart truly desires.
But I'm living my answer. Now, whatever happens, I will never have to ask myself "what if?". I know now. It's hard and I was repeatedly warned.
Tomorrow I have an interview with an agent. I take every little interest as a glimmer of hope. There's no point in being negative, sure you can prepare yourself for a fall, but then you don't give yourself any time to just enjoying life.
I'm thankful every time I drive down the 101 and pass the palm trees in this beautiful southern Californian sun. I take a mental picture while walking towards the Hollywood sign and over the stars on the boulevard. I'm here today, learning more, taking one more step. And wherever I go after this I'll still have this time with me. To use as I continue on in my studies and endeavors.
I'll just try to block out the traffic, the parking fiascoes, the smell of piss in dark nooks on the street, the crazy people trying to start a fight with you, the countless tourists blocking your way as you rush to your destination. They stand in awe. Squinting, hoping to see the Hollywood that once was. Under that grime, that smog, that specialty shop...there lies the Hollywood of their dreams.
How can I be angry? I catch myself doing it too.
We're here for a reason. Something has tugged at our hearts. Either to see it or be a part of it. This crazy entertaining tinsel town.
Little me, in this big city, trying to say "Look at me! I've got something you've never seen before!"
Who knows if I'll be heard....but at least I said it.