Boldly Going Back To My Childhood

So I watched the new Star Trek movie last night and it was so weird how certain sound effects and lines totally took me back to watching Star Trek with my parents and sis when I was younger. The rest of my family was totally into it but I just camped on the outskirts of interest most of the time. Still, I'm sure I watched almost every episode of TNG because thats what we'd watch after dinner as a family.
It's very rare that I get into "action" type movies or those "saga" films with sequels, prequels, and so ons. Star Wars does absolutely nothing for me, Lord of the Rings was fun to watch once while at the movie theatre, Harry Potter was good for the movie theatre as well. And Star Trek I can't say I know too many details about the movies - although I vividly remember the one with the whales (but that's because I was totally in my marine mammal biology phase - before I got grossed out by fish). I started liking the t.v series a little more when the character "Wesley" arrived...'cause he was cute and I was just learning about crushes.
I know the difference between Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. All seemed to be in the back ground at home. I remember my favorite character in TNG was "Q". Oh that Q, always throwing monkey wrenches in and then being witty! The show had humor and some pretty good acting and fun story lines. All this seemed to be deeply burried until last night. I didn't realize how the show was really just having fun.
So, to go along with true form and showing how history repeats itself: I'm again intrigued by Star Trek.
Oh... did I mention I have a crush on Zachary Quinto? Move over Wesley, helloooo Spock.

Tinsel Tainted Dreams

No wonder people don't take flying leaps for their dreams. It's hard, discouraging, illogical, and scary as shit.
A couple weeks ago I finally followed through on quitting the bank. I had to fly home to visit my dying grandmother and spend some quality time with her and my family (which I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity). When I flew back I found my financial safety net had more holes than I thought. Within the 2 weeks back I've had 3 jobs working on set as an extra. An ideal job for someone who doesn't mind getting paid to sit around and read hours on end while waiting to be called to go stand somewhere. Finally I can make progress on my ever growing book list! Unfortunately the checks take awhile to arrive and this week I have been trying to not panic as I carefully watch my bank account and the mail box to see which will come first: the deposit (paycheck), or the withdrawal (bills). I just barely scraped by. Yesterday, I couldn't even buy Top Ramen. Today, I can. But still no bookings for this week. Living from one day to the next I have no knowledge of what's to come. To feel so financially insecure (by my own choosing) makes me realize all those warnings to young artists is true: You have to really want this. There will be times when you wonder what you're doing with you life, why you're throwing away a stable way of life, why can't you just pack up and go back to your hometown? Make a living doing something that may resemble a mere shadow of what your heart truly desires.
But I'm living my answer. Now, whatever happens, I will never have to ask myself "what if?". I know now. It's hard and I was repeatedly warned.
Tomorrow I have an interview with an agent. I take every little interest as a glimmer of hope. There's no point in being negative, sure you can prepare yourself for a fall, but then you don't give yourself any time to just enjoying life.
I'm thankful every time I drive down the 101 and pass the palm trees in this beautiful southern Californian sun. I take a mental picture while walking towards the Hollywood sign and over the stars on the boulevard. I'm here today, learning more, taking one more step. And wherever I go after this I'll still have this time with me. To use as I continue on in my studies and endeavors.
I'll just try to block out the traffic, the parking fiascoes, the smell of piss in dark nooks on the street, the crazy people trying to start a fight with you, the countless tourists blocking your way as you rush to your destination. They stand in awe. Squinting, hoping to see the Hollywood that once was. Under that grime, that smog, that specialty shop...there lies the Hollywood of their dreams.
How can I be angry? I catch myself doing it too.
We're here for a reason. Something has tugged at our hearts. Either to see it or be a part of it. This crazy entertaining tinsel town.
Little me, in this big city, trying to say "Look at me! I've got something you've never seen before!"
Who knows if I'll be heard....but at least I said it.

Flying Solo: Why Amelia Didn't Make It.

OK, OK I know Amelia had at least a navigator on that last fateful flight, but for the sake of imagination and where this blog is going....just go with it.
Last night I decided to fly solo to a social event I had been hoping to go to for awhile. The friends I had invited were either a) not able to come or b) flaked out. I thought of staying at home and watching yet another episode of 30 Rock but then thought if asked why I didn't make it my only truthful answer would be "I didn't want to come by myself". It seems like a lame excuse. Why would you let other people stop you from going to something you want to go to? Why does society say you can't go to certain events by yourself? It's o.k to go to an art exhibit by yourself, to the store, the library, but not a bar, a party, or the bowling alley.
This personal social experiment definitely taught me something about myself. While I did know the hosts to a certain acquaintance like status, I was surprised to find out I didn't know anyone else. This could either 1) force me to make new friends or 2) make me uncomfortable for the rest of the night. I did end up meeting a few new people but spent a good amount of time standing awkwardly by myself with a Sierra Nevada in one hand and my cell phone in the other. Like texting people says to the room "oh I'm alright, I do have friends, just not with me." Sad really. I probably could have talked to more new people but my self aware got to be so apparent in my mind that I had actually handicapped myself. Being the independent person that I usually tend to try to be, this frustrated me. No longer confident, my haunting past came to the forefront of my mind. The headgear, the buck teeth, the glasses, and horribly permed hair came back and clouded my mind when talking with people. How awful in this time to get to know people that all the redundant repeating of sentences of a 13 year old were the only things in my mouth.
I've had a lot in my mind lately due to crazy events taking place this last week so since I'm a verbal processor these new people were my sounding bored.
However, as much as I was self aware and feeling totally awkward I can count on the fact that this moment in my life will not be thought of in the same way by the others. We're all so aware of ourselves and what other people are thinking that we rarely notice or remember another person's awkward moments. Thank goodness for that!
And I did have a good time. The show was hilarious, and I did get to talk a little more to my new friends/acquaintances. Next time I'll bring a friend, we'll be each other's navigator. And if things get weird. We won't be crashing alone.

Two Weeks Till This Teller's done!

Yesterday I had a customer who was so impatient that while the lady at my window was putting her money away he shoved his way next by handing me his deposit over the lady's shoulder and then went to the other side of her and proceeded to slide his debit card in my machine so I could pull up his accounts. The lady looked embarrassed and tried to hurry off. When she was gone I said "Wow, are you in a hurry today?" "No, she was done and it was my turn".
It took everything in me to not say "You wait your turn mister! Go to the end of the line and wait. Who made you so special that you get to make everyone abide by your precious ass time and world!? Who brought you up? And where have your manners gone?"
But I didn't say it. Some of that inner monologue had to have slipped out through my facial expression because he then said "It doesn't matter now, it's all water under the bridge".
Oh really? Well I need some more money so I'm going to take some out of your account. What? Oh whatever it's all water under the bridge.

Two more weeks and I'll be out of there. I'm attempting to transfer but for now I'll enjoy my "leave of absence".
I'll be doing some background work and seeing what else I can find for work. Probably the surprising job choice of waitressing.
I came down here to "see what would happen if I pursued this Hollywood thing". How am I going to know if I don't take a chance? And the funny thing about chances and risks....there's never a "good" time to take them.
If this doesn't work out and all falls flat I know that I can fit everything I own in my little ford focus and drive home happy. Knowing that I answered my question. And then I would move on to the next adventure.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves......

"Can You Hear Me Now?" "Yes! Shut up!"

Today I had the weirdest response to the question "How would you like your cash back?" It was "Whowherewhywhat?!" She spurted out the words as if I had startled her and that was her yelp. I don't really know what to say except that was just the weirdest thing I had heard in response to a question.

And once again I've been having issues with cell phones. My aggravation flared up while sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. A middle aged lady and her elderly mother slowly made their way to a couple of chairs when the daughter's cell phone began to ring. How is it that so many people tend to find the most annoying ring tone then set it to the loudest setting and just let it ring for a full minute for all in ear shot to enjoy? Once the phone was answered the one sided conversation proceeded to out annoy the ring tone. "Oh I'm just taking ma to the doctors...ya this rain is horrible.....no no we don't have wind here....you have wind there?....huh...nope no wind here......yep....just sitting in the waiting room....I'm gonna see if I can ask the doctor 'bout my ankle....yep yep flaring up again....I know! This rain just won't stop (in my head I'm thinking "why can't YOU stop!") ....ok well I'll call you once we're outta here...buh bye." She hung up and just as I thought I might get a moment to concentrate on my book she flipped open her phone again and started dialing. She still had the phone set at "just how deaf are you!?" and punched one number at a time.. slowly. I could here it ringing and someone pick up on the other side. The conversation need not be repeated. Wasted air and time if you ask me. Nothing needed to be said. We, the forced audience in the waiting room, had no say in the matter of hearing about her personal matters.
This is the thing that gets me. A majority of the cell phone conversations I hear while in line at the check out, in the waiting room, in the book store, at my window all sound so pointless. Have we lost the art of conversation? Must we talk weather? Do you HAVE to pick up your phone while your handing me your deposit slip and call someone to say "oh nothin, just at the bank. What are you doing?"
Maybe this is because I'm not a phone person. I pretty much suck at talking on the phone. I always end up that awkward 13 year old girl who wants to say something important or witty and ends up forgetting what she started talking about because she got ahead of herself. Plus have you noticed how bad reception usually is on cell phones? Whether it's on my end our theirs I miss out on chunks of the conversation and just have to say generic safe things to say like "huh", "thats cool", "well that's how things go". And once I have to revert to that I'm checked out. I'm too embarrassed to ask you to repeat it. So I say I have to go make dinner or that I have to meet someone or my fish jumped out of this bowl and I need to save him....anything to get me out of that uncomfortable feeling.
Cell phones in public is like smoking indoors. Your forced to take it in other peoples crap.

Baby Stepping Stones

Once again I write nothing of bank business.
In a week I will be moving. About 40 miles closer to Hollywood where I take my classes, see shows, do shows, and work in the box office. I look forward to finally being able to take advantage of more opportunities to audition and do some background work.
But as I pack things from my little makeshift room I already feel a sense of emptiness. These "housemates" have become family. Once again I am picking up and moving to pursue my dream and passion, leaving my close connections and dear friends, and feeling self indulgent. I think that until something sparks my heart. Funny how it could be a movie preview, a theatre's marquee, a friend telling me a story about being on set, something that makes my heart jump and say "Yes, that is what makes me alive! Follow that!" And suddenly my fear and loneliness slips away.
I knew in December as I flew home that when I came back a new chapter would start. This first month of the new year has been an interesting preface for the year to come.

A Quest

The past 72 hours have some how rekindled a fire under my ass.
I had my first improv show Sunday night and I think it went rather well....for a first night. I crave, hunger, thirst, and long to become better at my craft. To raise the bar of quality and intelligence.
While talking with my friend Josh the other night I was verbally processing my dream for my life. I found myself spewing out ideas of traveling the world and researching comedy. Discovering how culture, society, economical class, geography, education, family heritage, surroundings, and other outside influences mold our sense of humor.
And if we are all human, what is the universal human comedy? I know it must be out there. What is funny verbally and what is funny physically? What crosses language barriers and brings us together through some cosmic juice of laughter?
Josh said it sounded like a great documentary idea. I think so too.
But what would I need to do before hand? Who to talk to? Who to get support from (there aint no way I'm traveling the world on my teller's salary!). There is so much I want to dig deeper into. What are the psychological effects? the mental and physical effects?
How can I prove that laughter does heal?

I went to a comedy club tonight and the acts were....not my style. I don't really care about being offended but I don't have much respect for people who go out of their way to offend or shock. One of the guys had good delivery, but his material was too cheap. By that I mean making jokes about retarded people, battered women, porn, and too many other jr high humor. Too easy if you ask me. Comedy is hard work. There's the timing, the sensitivity to your audience, the delivery, the vocabulary, the physicality. I know we all have different senses of humor. I'm learning that I can have admiration for a person's ability for comedy even if I hate their material. I can still learn. Either what to do or not to do.

With each day I find just how closely interwoven is my passion for comedy and helping people through laughter is to my purpose in life. It's as if someone has turned on a switch in me and I light up and talk, discuss, research, soak in for hours. I have so much to learn!

I've found myself around the people I was hoping to be around when I moved down here. But the reality of going from a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a freaking huge ocean makes me wonder if I'll ever get bigger.
My confidence has almost left me. I think I know what I'm talking about and then someone pipes in with even more knowledge or a correction. They have so much more talent, so much more knowledge. So much more seems to come naturally to them. And I'm jealous. But a good jealous. A determined jealous. "Fine!" I say "I'll go study more! Take more risks! I will grow and get better! So there!"

It isn't easy being this little fish. But I'm happy to be in the ocean.